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Sexual Intelligence® Blog: Latest Posts

Halloween: Holiday for Fear of Sex Offenders

As I write this, the sun has just set and young kids have started cruising up and down my street. Costumed, faces painted, they have one thing on their minds—sugar. Whether patient or impatient, their parents have varied thoughts—dealing with the sugar highs they’ll encounter at tonight’s bedtime; gratitude for another mild California evening; the pleasure of watching their kids have fun; the self-criticism when they compare their own neglected front yard to their neighbor’s new landscaping. According to the media, politicians, law enforcement, and anti-sex activists, however, what parents are supposed to be thinking about is predators. Scarier than…

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What College Kids Want to Know About Porn

Last night I spoke to about 300 students at Ohlone College in Northern California. The topic was Pornography 2016: PornPanic, Public Health, & Porn Literacy. It went just fine, and as always, I was eager to hear people’s questions. Here are some that everyone seemed interested in, along with a short version of my answers. “There’s certain stuff my boyfriend sees in porn that he wants to try. I don’t really want to do it, but he says everyone does. What should I do?” To start with, the question isn’t what should I do; it’s what should we (you and…

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Trump Gives Lust A Bad Name

Recently, I wrote about the problems the male gaze can give women. Writing about it helped me realize that even a totally super-cool guy like me still has a few things to learn. Of course, you don’t need to be a totally super-cool guy, or a sexuality professional, or anything other than a functioning adult to know that sexual assault is wrong, and that no one is entitled to sex with others, even if they’re a “star.” Anyone who doesn’t understand that is developmentally incomplete. Or, to use even more technical language, a clueless, hostile, insecure, narcissistic jerk. Donald Trump,…

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Salon.com Asks Me About Porn

This week I was interviewed by journalist Amanda Marcotte of Salon.com about pornography. You can see the 20-minute video here: https://goo.gl/QlD9O6. After a bit of small talk, we got down to it: What if you fantasize about sex with kangaroos? Should we bring back the psychiatric diagnosis of Possessed By The Devil? And is there such a thing as porn addiction? Ah, porn addiction. It really does matter what we call these things. We know it matters if someone is “diagnosed” as a “frigid bitch,” or a “women-hating queer,” or a “nympho.” So of course it matters if something is…

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“Foreplay”—It just Makes Us Nervous About Sex

I continue to be baffled by the relationship many people have to “foreplay.” I’ve been putting the word in quotation marks for decades (driving print magazine editors crazy as far back as the 1980s), because it describes a state of mind I don’t want to endorse. First, it supposes that intercourse is “real sex,” and everything else isn’t—other activities are just second-rate sex. Furthermore, “foreplay” supposes that one is preparing for something—that these activities don’t have a satisfaction or integrity of their own. When I was in high school, “foreplay” was what a guy did to get a girl hot…

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