Every week I ask patients lots and lots of questions. Sometimes I get a straight answer. Often, someone will dance around an issue, or avoid the question by answering a different one.
When patients ask me a question, though, I either give them a direct answer–or I challenge the question itself.
Here are examples of questions that I generally don’t answer directly–because I’m challenging the assumptions…
Approaching the anniversary of our country’s freedom, what’s the state of our own sexual freedom?
There are many external restrictions on our erotic expression such as the criminalization of abortion, attempts to eliminate adult pornography, and the censorship of both school and adult libraries.
But there are many internal restrictions we place on our own sexual expression–and these prevent us from using the sexual rights that we do have.
Every week or two, a new patient complains that their partner rarely initiates sex. The new patient expects me to figure out why—and more importantly, how to get their partner to change and initiate more.
People who rarely initiate sex fall into one of three categories, which we’ll discuss below.
But let’s also look at the inverse: why do some people get so distressed when their partner doesn’t initiate?
I write books about sex and relationships. Too long for some people, I also write articles about sex and relationships. Too long for some people, I now post about sex and relationships on Instagram.
Interested in infidelity, desire, empathy, porn, or orgasm? Here are some of my favorite posts, each with a bit of explanation.
Many people think performance anxiety around sex is inevitable. But the reasons can be understood, and the anxiety changed–so that people can enjoy a broader range of sexual experiences, free from the fear of disappointment and self-criticism.
Every week, people come for therapy with desire issues. Someone wants higher libido. Someone else wants their partner to have a higher libido.
My answer is frequently…let’s talk about something else. Important issues might include:
~ Power dynamics
~ Body image
~ Self-esteem
~ Conflict management
~ Old wounds—the individual’s, the partner’s, or the couple’s
~ Religion
~ Alcohol and drugs
~ Aging, health, chronic pain, menopause, contraception
Sometimes the problem is easy to…