Problems/Situations

Rapid ejaculation

Q: My new husband is a premature ejaculator. Before marriage we had no intercourse but did have a very active sex life. Although his premature ejaculation embarrasses him, he has rejected all my suggestions about fixing it. Now we have sex less than once a week, and I don’t know what to say to improve our sex life because his ego gets in the way. How can you talk to a man without bruising his ego?

Dr. Klein: Wrong question. His embarrassment, insecurity, and withdrawal are not your problem to fix. Only he can do that. You need to let him know that the rapid ejaculation is not the problem–his withdrawal from sex, refusal to treat you like a partner, and unwillingness to get treatment for something that affects you both is. Your desire to rescue him (making “suggestions”) and apologize for him (“fragile male ego” is code for “he refuses to talk with me like an adult, and I’m afraid to say this is unacceptable”) is getting this marriage off on the wrong foot. Let him know that you will cooperate in any way you can, but you expect that he will take the initiative to change what is frustrating you both. If he doesn’t, he needs to understand that he will be damaging the intimacy and trust in this tender new marriage.