America’s states, counties, cities, school boards and Supreme Court have launched the latest version of America’s War On Sex. And it’s going to get worse. Guaranteed.
There are things you can do about that. Next week we’ll talk about political action; right now, let’s talk about specific personal changes you can make to not just protect, but to enhance your sexual experiences. In no particular order…
~ Keep in mind that porn is NOT a documentary.
Watch it all you want, but remember it isn’t sex education. Women aren’t like that, men aren’t like that, bodies aren’t like that, sex isn’t like that. Without editing, lighting, paid professionals, and off-camera preparation, real sex can’t feel the way porn sex looks.
~ Drink less when having sex.
Alcohol disinhibits us, but also weakens our physical coordination, reflexes, and judgement. Most people achieve the ideal combination of these with less than 2/3 of a drink. More than that, and it’s usually harder to get aroused and harder to climax (orgasm is a reflex). More importantly, it also makes it more likely that you’ll put up with physical pain, take a contraceptive risk, or that you’ll be victimized.
~ Do you have sex with women? One word:
Cunnilingus.
Oral sex. Going down on her. Eating pussy.
Do it more. Do it slowly. Ask questions during and afterwards. And don’t just tolerate it—learn to get pleasure from it. If she isn’t as fresh as you’d like, bring a damp washcloth to bed and treat her with class.
~ Get over your body.
Women: yes, you’re fleshy. It’s all that girly estrogen. And maybe a few cookies. Men: yes, you don’t have the world’s largest penis. No, you don’t get hard instantly; in fact, you sometimes don’t get it up at all.
Sex can work with every single kind of body, no exception. Bodies don’t ruin sex. Self-consciousness does.
~ Realize what adult desire really feels like.
Except for the first few months of a relationship, or perhaps in an extramarital affair, and certainly in the movies, desire doesn’t feel like “If we don’t have sex in the next 10 minutes I’m going to die.” In real life, it’s more like, “Yeah, sex would be nice this week…um, when do you have a few minutes?”
~ Decide to never take a contraceptive risk.
That’s right, NEVER. Yeah, it can be a hassle, but compared to the impact of unintended pregnancy, it’s absolutely trivial—kind of like buying a lottery ticket where you can either win $25 or lose $1,000,000.
And there are so many ways to enjoy sex that don’t require birth control.
No one loves condoms, but if you get plenty of kissing, moaning, and stroking between your legs, vaginal, anal, or oral sex with condoms can be marvelous.
The IUD is still a modern miracle. Guys who get vasectomies love them. And by the way, the whole “hormonal birth control gives you cancer” thing is as outdated as cassette tapes.
~ Inserting anything into anything? ALWAYS use lube.
Don’t wait until you “need” it; no one wants to stop sex to discuss whether or not to use lube. There are simply no disadvantages to using lube (there are brands that are hypoallergenic, and brands that don’t block conception), and they make things nice and slippery (for masturbation, too).
Keep it in the night table, not the bathroom. And if your kids find and ask about it? No problem: “That’s what I use to make adult touching [or sex, or whatever] more enjoyable.” If your kids doesn’t know what that is, stop reading and go talk to them.
~ Make periods normal.
If they live to age 50, most women will have over 400 menstrual periods. It seems silly to freak out over something so common. Some cultures physically isolate menstruating women, along with the chairs and other objects they touch. Modern western cultures don’t do this, but the isolation is psychological: less physical affection, often no sex, and limited sympathy for the fatigue, cramps, or mood swings with which many women struggle.
Integrating the fact of menstruation into your life or couple not only makes things a little easier, it’s one more way of accepting the vagina just as it is.
~ Talk to your healthcare team about sex
That includes all of your doctors, your dentist, your physical therapist, and anyone who prescribes medicine. These various professionals interface with body parts that can be compromised by repetitive stress; exercise or recreation that hurts; kissing; rough sex; medication non-compliance; sleep problems; and alcohol & drug use.
~ Talk to your partner more about sex.
Ask. Tell. Suggest. Disagree. Reject. Discover.
My patients tell me I don’t understand: “Talking about sex is embarrassing!” I disagree: “No, you feel embarrassed talking about sex. The embarrassment lives in you, not the sex. Sex is perfectly willing for you to talk about it.”
If you can talk to your partner about diarrhea, forgetting your password again, or blowing a work assignment, you can talk about periods, too much teeth during oral sex, sore nipples, or not wanting to hear (or use) the word “daddy” during sex.
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These are changes anyone can make. Yes, they may go against what you’ve been told, or what you read on social media. But each of these is a way you can take control of your own sexual experience. If you choose not to, don’t blame “society,” “the patriarchy,” “trauma,” “religion,” or “politics.” Those are just names for “it’s scary to change.”
I know it is. Don’t wait for “courage.” Do it now. The potential rewards are immense.
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