“Are we incompatible?” Every week or two, a new couple asks me this.
After asking them lots of personal questions, I often think the answer is “Yes.” But I generally don’t say so. I’ve learned that most couples who are incompatible don’t want to hear it in such a direct way. Or at all, even though they ask me.
I don’t lie and say, “No, you’re not incompatible.” That wouldn’t be ethical. But I’ve learned that whether I answer the question “yes” or “no,” one or both of the people in front of me will disagree. So why bother?
Indeed, why ARE they bothering to ask?
Some people want permission to leave their relationship. Some people want permission to stay and continue working on things. Some want their partner to decide, and they hope I’ll push that person in one direction or another.
Interestingly, many people who fret that they might be incompatible have suspected it since the early days of the relationship. Mary wants sex twice a week; Jose wants sex twice a year. Ramesh wants a quiet house; Tamika loves when people drop by on the weekend. Charles likes to shop and to buy things; Vladimir wants to build a rainy-day fund to cover an earthquake, global warming, or a meteor shower.
So why do these pairs of people move into together, marry, and even have children–all while hoping their partner will change?
“BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER”
The answer is always the same: “We love each other.” People who want my advice on whether to separate often want to tell me how great the other person is. “But,” they eventually add, “maybe we’re just not compatible.”
The therapy industry doesn’t have an effective protocol for evaluating or dealing with such couples. Some therapists reflexively tell all couples (absent domestic violence) that they can “work on it.” Other therapists (a smaller number) say “you two are hopeless,” which typically stuns one or both partners. After that, we never have to see the couple or their pain again.
One reason that people stay when they know they’re incompatible is that they’d have to admit they made a mistake in the first place, or that they’ve wasted several years. This used to be called the Vietnam Syndrome: “We’ve invested too much to quit now, and it would be too painful to walk away.” In this regard, people let the past control the future. Poker players face this dilemma all the time, hence their saying, “Don’t throw good money after bad.”
The situation is especially complicated if I’m the third, fourth, or fifth therapist the couple has seen. If several therapists have given up on a couple, and have referred them to me as a last resort, and I say it’s hopeless, most couples are devastated. A minute with a couple who’ve been told they’re hopeless feels like a year.
LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH
So if love isn’t the most important thing that makes a relationship work, what is? Shared values. Contrasting ethical systems, different visions of a life well-lived, or conflicting goals can’t be overcome with great sex or a ton of money.
When people disagree on the meaning of fundamental things like intimacy, touch, conflict, power, time, money, chores, or sex, that’s the very definition of incompatible. Loving each other can’t paper over that. The law of gravity isn’t suspended just because people love each other.
I regularly see couples with contrasting sexual interests, whether about frequency, variety, content, enthusiasm, monogamy, or who initiates. “Are we incompatible?” is another way of asking “can you motivate my partner to change?”
As I tell my students, for every sexually attractive person, there’s someone who doesn’t want sex with them. Or doesn’t want it the way the other person does.
If one or both partners describe their sexual interests as their “orientation” or “identity”, the chance that they will change is slim. On the other hand, when people frame their preferences as just that–preferences–rather than who they ARE, the chances of them changing are higher—IF they want to change. Many people, of course, don’t.
The therapy field has very little advice for couples with discrepant sexual interests. We sometimes hope that such a couple has a poor relationship, because we can often improve that, which we hope will lead to more sexual cooperation, creativity, and discovery. Alas, improving the relationship doesn’t always improve the couple’s sex life.
So how does conventional couples counseling deal with a couple’s contrasting levels of sexual desire or enthusiasm? Pretty poorly. The common clinical responses include:
1) Sex isn’t that important long-term, so let it go.
2) Everyone needs to compromise; someone needs to occasionally have sex when they don’t want to, and their partner needs to learn to tolerate sexual frustration.
3) Turn to spirituality or existentialism for guidance. What is this conflict trying to teach you?
4) Assume there’s trauma in someone’s background, and encourage them to explore and resolve it. This will supposedly free up a person with lower desire, or cool off a person with higher desire.
5) Send the higher desire partner to a sex addiction recovery program, which will supposedly reduce their desired frequency or interest in variety. (It rarely does.)
6) Set up a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell arrangement, and hope that nobody falls in love with their affair partner.
Yes, I’m aware of ethical non-monogamy, sex clubs, and other alternatives. Most lower-desire people are uninterested in this, and most people generally don’t have the communication, conflict management, and self-discipline skills to navigate such arrangements. Besides, most therapists lack the training and experience to help couples who are interested in such things.
I appreciate the many ways that the therapy profession enhances lives. But I’m afraid that when it comes to helping sexually incompatible couples, our value is limited.
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