Making Sex Better in 2023

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Lots of blogs and videos promise to tell you the key to mind-blowing, phenomenal sex.

They describe exotic positions, $300 blue-tooth sex toys, and various potions to make penises bigger, vulvas shinier, ejaculations richer, breasts firmer, and orgasms more volcanic. I never promise that. Instead, here are some tips to make sex better in 2023.

Better isn’t mind-blowing, but it’s…better, right?

~ Use more lube
Too many people start sex and wait to see if they “need” lube—and then they may be excited and not want to stop to apply it. Spread it on before you “need” it, so you can enjoy its full effect right from the start. How much? Decide what’s a reasonable amount, and then add 25%.

~ Use words more carefully
— Eliminate “foreplay,” which suggests that those activities are just preparatory, not something to be enjoyed for their own value
— Don’t say “vagina” when you mean “vulva,” which has a lot of interesting things surrounding the vaginal opening; have your partner give you a guided tour if you aren’t totally familiar with those places
— Don’t say “finishing” when you mean orgasm; sex is finished when people decide it is, which may or may not include an orgasm on a given occasion
— Erection isn’t a “performance,” and the lack of erection isn’t a “failure.” Erection is a hydraulic reflex that no one can control.

~ Discuss physical pain
I know it isn’t sexy, but physical pain separates people. Talking about it brings them closer. Lower back pain, arthritic hands, mouth or jaw discomfort—talking about these things can help two people find the most comfortable positions and activities.

~ Come to terms with your porn use
— If you promised your partner you wouldn’t watch, and you’re hiding the fact that you watch, consider discussing this with her. This isn’t a porn issue, it’s a matter of deception and the relationship’s power dynamics.
— Accept the fantasies you enjoy. Unless these fantasies are unwanted, repetitive, and intrusive, they have no predictive value; they don’t say anything about you or your future.
— If you’re uncomfortable with how much or how often you watch, just change it. If you need help, see a sex therapist. Do NOT go to an anti-porn group or activist, as they will shame and frighten you with moralistic nonsense that won’t help.
— Remember that real sex doesn’t feel like porn sex looks. It can’t, because real sex doesn’t involve lighting, makeup, perfect bodies, or editing. Those are what make porn sex look like it does. And porn sex doesn’t involve people who occasionally disappoint, confuse, or frustrate you—while real sex always does.

~ Prepare for sex
Most American adults usually have sex when they’re tired. Or they’re thinking about something else—usually work or chores. So take a few minutes before sex to leave that routine, distracted, maybe self-critical space. Consciously create a mental transition:
— Lay on the floor and let your body relax. Slow down your breathing and let go of your cares for a little while
— Take a warm shower—a tangible marker that you’re shifting from one emotional realm to another. A shower will also focus you on your body, and on what feels good.
— While you’re both still clothed, hold your partner for a minute, and do nothing else. Then have your partner hold you for a minute while you do nothing. Repeat a couple of times. Both people should slow down their breathing and become conscious of the other’s body—what it feels like to hold, and to be held.

~ If your partner’s feet are cold, put sox on them
What could be sexier than getting more comfortable for sex?

~ Don’t aim for great sex, fantastic sex, or mind-blowing sex
Aim for enjoyable sex. It’s way easier, especially if you’re tired. And it’s, um, enjoyable.


Like short videos about sex? Check out my collection of Quickies!

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