Sex addiction is a convenient explanation for the destructive behavior of people driven mad by shame and Christian demands for sexual purity.
But the problem is shame, not sex. Treating shame, sexual ignorance, and relationship problems can actually cure people–so they don’t have to be addicts in recovery for the rest of their lives.
When they came to me they were getting “sex addiction” treatment. As the spouse of an “addict,” she was in S-Anon, endlessly talking about her trauma and her “co-dependence.” He was going to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings and reading about the 12 Steps.
She wanted me treat his “sex addiction,” and he was willing to do almost anything to end their nightmare of mistrust and chronic conflict.
But in the very first session, I told them that I don’t use the category of “sex addiction.”
He was 50, married, and he had all the symptoms of “sex addiction.” Let’s call him Joe. As he travelled the country lecturing (he was a pioneering ear surgeon), he’d hire an escort to spend the night with him. He’d lie about it to his wife, of course. He became a regular—or rather he had a few “regulars”—in cities he visited frequently, such as Chicago and St. Louis. What had started 12 years ago as an occasional treat eventually became a virtual necessity. While he wanted to be an attentive father and husband, he worked long hours and was emotionally…
Maybe you think about sex a lot, maybe even all the time. Perhaps you masturbate every day. And maybe you do it with lots of pornography. Maybe you want sex more than your partner, maybe a lot more. Perhaps you wish your partner were more sexually adventurous. Maybe you make terrible decisions about sex. Maybe […]
Before he even sat down, my new patient blurted out why he had come. “My wife says I’m a sex addict, and she demands I get treated immediately,” he said. I’ve been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for 30 years. That’s some 30,000 sessions with men, women, and couples—a ringside seat at the human circus. The guy was yet another supposed “sex addict.” I listened to his story carefully, and told him I sympathized with how he had damaged his life and hurt people with bad sexual decisions. “But I don’t treat ‘sex addiction,’” I…
What’s wrong with Tiger Woods? Three words: I. Don’t. Know. For weeks I’ve been flooded with media inquiries, all focused on Tiger’s alleged sex addiction. I’ve become the go-to guy when the media wants a professional with a different point of view on this. And so from Dr. Phil to Nightline, and on radio stations like Live 25 in Oklahoma City, people have been asking me if the guy’s a sex addict. And if he isn’t, what is he? My answer’s always the same: I’ve never met the guy, I don’t know him, I don’t know why he did what…