Sex Therapist’s Couch

Arguments About Porn Aren’t About Porn

Millions of couples argue about porn.

The arguments sound like they’re about porn, but they really aren’t.

The conflict almost invariably involves a woman who’s unhappy with a man’s porn-viewing, while the man defends himself or criticizes the woman’s unhappiness. Couples can argue about porn for hours, over months and years, and easily avoid talking about what’s really bothering them.

The arguments typically sound like this: “I don’t want you looking at porn because…

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Saying “No” Does NOT Equal “Low Desire”

One of the most common problems people come to see me about?

“I have low desire.”
“He has low desire.”
“She has low desire.”

In response, I ask lots of questions. We talk. And at least half the time, I surprise people: “I don’t think this is a desire issue.”

Saying no to something when you don’t expect to enjoy it isn’t a “problem,” it’s common sense.

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Shame—A Bigger Problem Than Your Penis, Vagina, Fantasies, or Desire

At our first session, when I ask “what would you like to accomplish in our therapy,” people will often mention their fantasies (too weird?), their desire (too low, too high), or their penis or vagina (which won’t do what they want when they want it).

Very few people say “I want to feel less shame.” Of course not—they’re too ashamed.

Sexual shame has many causes–and it’s usually not an individual’s fault. It takes many forms, which therapy can often reduce.

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Cheated On? Here’s The WORST 5 Things You Can Do

Every week, I counsel men and women heartbroken over infidelity.

And every week, I try to prevent those people from making big mistakes. If it’s already too late, I help people deal with the consequences of their big mistakes.

Frequently, nearly everyone in the Betrayed’s life is encouraging them to make big mistakes. That can even include their therapist. It most certainly includes the internet and social media.

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Porn Didn’t Destroy This Marriage—Her PornPhobia Could

What kind of a woman would destroy a perfectly good marriage (and great sex life) because her husband looks at porn?

There’s too, too many of them. One of those hubbies came to see me last week.

OK, he lied about watching. Not cool to lie.

But why would a grownup lie? The reason isn’t that complicated—he…

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