On this most un-free COVID-stained July 4th, I want to caution you about another important way in which we are not free: regarding our sexual fantasies.
You are NOT free to fantasize about sex that is illegal. If you do, and you’re caught, you will have to prove you do not actually want to do those things. This is almost impossible. In fact, in my experience as an expert witness in courtrooms across America, I’ve rarely seen anyone do it successfully.
What Is kinky sex? Does It matter?
There’s actually no exact definition of kink, so feel free to say that what you do is or isn’t kinky.
Your sexuality is an experience, not a category. Shakespeare had it right—a rose smells the same no matter what you call it.
But you might be more willing to smell something if I told you it was a flower rather than a skunk. And so some people stay away from exploring sexual behaviors they might enjoy just because they think the activities are “kinky”—“and,” they emphasize, “I’m not a kinky person.”
Life with COVID: we all want answers. I’ve been working on finding the right questions.
What are we learning now that we will forget when this is over?
Many people are having sex despite—or because of—COVID restrictions on the rest of our lives. And over 99% of the people having sex this weekend do NOT want to conceive.
Fortunately, there are many ways to enjoy sex without unintentionally conceiving.
Patients tell me they want sex to be “natural and spontaneous.” They want it to be easy and enjoyable, a source of pleasure, comfort, and connection.
And yet year after year, these same perfectly nice people construct sex so that it’s complicated, frustrating, and anxiety-provoking–because of their ideas about sex.
As both a sex therapist and marriage counselor, I have been talking to individuals and couples about infidelity for over thirty years.
People often impulsively reveal this to others–which is frequently a mistake.