GenZ Men, Sex & Porn

Many of GenZ’s young men have a troubled relationship to sex.

Porn is not the problem.

However, HOW young men consume and digest porn is a big problem.

Most people are able to watch films like Star Wars, The Hurt Locker, Mad Max, and Harry Potter without thinking that they’re instructional—manuals on how to drive, fly, fight, or conjure.

But somehow, today’s young men think porn is a library of documentaries, whose behavior they should copy when in bed with someone. That’s a problem for both them and their partners. But first…

CONTEXT

Before we get to porn, let’s look at the context in which most of these guys have sex (that is, when they have it—which is less often than previous generations of young people).

For one thing, many are economically insecure, with little confidence that that will change. Since “men” have been expected to be financial providers (or at least economically effective) since approximately the beginning of time, young men with few economic prospects often lack wind in their heterosexual sails.

Secondly, today’s young people are not learning the subtleties of person-to-person communication the way their ancestors (say, way back in the 1980s and 1990s) did. They text each other rather than speaking on the phone; they scroll their phones at restaurants instead of listening to each other. The don’t get to see the look in someone’s eyes when that person feels hurt, misunderstood, interested, or delighted.

As a result of living the digital life, they don’t learn nearly as much about the verbal and non-verbal cues that are so vital to understanding another human. At the same time, many young people date in groups rather than pairs, so they don’t learn how to listen, share, or ask questions as much. They’re simply not as relaxed one-on-one as they might be, because one-on-one—without a digital intermediary—isn’t very familiar.

Third, widespread casual sex has been the American norm for half a century, and still is. For decades, casual sex was the climax of a years-long campaign of adolescent erotic experimentation—kissing, groping (and being groped), half-undressed wrestling, dry humping, hand-to-genital skirmishing. Casual sex may not have been intimate, but it typically involved people who had had a series of physical experiences—if not with each other, than with other age-peers.

Absent this prior trajectory, casual sex for many GenZ’ers is almost a non-sequitur. I talk to many young men who have gotten blowjobs from one or more women they barely knew—without ever seeing a woman naked, smelling a vulva, or discussing birth control.

So what can such an inexperienced, ignorant young man do as he approaches his first intercourse, or grownup sleepover? Rely on stereotypes of sex, women, and their bodies. Where to find such gossip? Porn!

That’s what makes porn imagery so impactful for many GenZ males—it’s a substitute for the lived experiences of dating, courtship, making out, and eyeball-to-eyeball conversation. So if this season’s porn tropes are man-chokes-woman, or man-ejaculates-on-woman, or man-thrusts-penis-down-woman’s throat, those images will stick in the GenZ porn consumer’s mind.

After all, in the kingdom of the inexperienced, the tangible imagery of porn seems better than nothing—regardless of its exaggerations and fantasies.

WHAT’S THE POINT OF SEX ANYWAY?

Like most kids in American history, GenZers’ parents haven’t talked with them meaningfully about sex, much less porn (note: “I’ll kill you if I catch you watching it” doesn’t qualify as an actual conversation).

While many parents understandably decry kids’ access to porn, they haven’t prepared kids for their confusion or shame from consuming erotic displays meant for adults. GenZ is unprepared for the many sexual choices and decisions they face in a world of dating apps and casual sex—which means porn is their only sex “education.”

And according to porn, the range of reasons to have sex is pretty limited. So for all their bluster about pronouns, non-binary gender, and consent, GenZ’s boys don’t understand much about sex. And they therefore have trouble figuring out what to do before, during, and after it.

NOW WHEEL IN ALL THAT PORN

So that’s the context.

Now wheel in all that porn. Or to be more precise, masturbating to porn at any time, for as long as you like.

That opportunity would have consequences for people at any point in history, including:
~ Becoming so accustomed to a perfect hand that a vagina might not feel as good;
~ The eyes replacing the penis as a primary sex organ;
~ Focussing on intensity rather than pleasure;
~ Being unfamiliar with the interior aspects of sex (such as closeness or aliveness), as they are not cinematic and therefore not represented.

Also, porn rarely portrays women who are self-conscious, insecure, shy, conflicted, or feeling guilty or afraid of pregnancy, and so offers no hints (accurate or not) on how to manage such an encounter. GenZ men may not realize that that’s exactly how a new sexual partner feels. This cluelessness often leads to the messy sexual interactions they often describe.

SUMMARY

Today’s young men consume a lot of porn under personal and cultural circumstances that inevitably create problems. Porn has become their go-to solution to erotic inexperience, social isolation, sexual anxiety, depression or anhedonia, inadequate sense of masculinity, and difficulty telling sexual fiction from sexual reality.

One idea that’s popular across the political spectrum is censoring porn—criminalizing it or making it harder to access. This won’t work with tech-savvy young people. More importantly, it won’t solve the sexual difficulties that GenZ’ers face, with OR without porn.

Young women have a role in changing the all-guys-watch-and-sometimes-copy-porn dynamic. They’re not in charge of young men, but they are in charge of themselves. They need to say no when they want to, clearly state what they want to say yes to, and to ask themselves why they say yes to various activities, such as anal sex.

Mostly, GenZ’s young men have a lot to answer for. What does modern masculinity look like? Why don’t romantic relationships seem that appealing? What are healthy ways to deal with loneliness? What’s the point of all that masturbating to porn? And what kind of partner sex do they really want?

The incel (involuntary celibacy) and no-fap (never masturbate) movements are sad attempts to feel less powerless, while keeping women at a distance and learning nothing about sexuality. Blaming their difficulties on so-called “porn addiction” is similarly futile, inevitably leading to “relapse”—often accompanied by lying or low sexual desire.

I don’t care if young people have sex or not. But if they’re not going to have much sex, I’d like it to be for the right reasons, with positive results. And masturbating to porn doesn’t have to be problematic—but young men need to understand what they’re doing, why, and how it’s affecting them. That’s a lot to ask of youth, especially youth that lacks much partner or coupling experience.

But simply blaming porn for young men’s sexual issues, or wishing it would go away, doesn’t help anyone. As with most personal dilemmas, people need more empowerment and better judgement, not fewer opportunities.
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