Yes, many of our sexual rights have been eroded in the last 10 years, and school sex education is the least accurate and most harmful it’s been in decades. There’s a good chance that laws regarding pornography, live entertainment, reproductive rights, and coerced speech by physicians & psychologists will become even more common in the next four years.
That said, I invite us to be thankful for the sexual freedoms, technologies, and options we do have right now. I’ve chosen some that many people don’t take full advantage of—and I encourage you to do so.
~ Emergency contraception (EC)
The morning-after pill prevents pregnancy by preventing or delaying ovulation. If you don’t ovulate, you can’t get pregnant. The morning-after pill will NOT end a pregnancy that has already begun.
There is absolutely nothing anyone can say, no matter how passionate they are, that contradicts this fact: emergency contraception is not an abortion, and cannot create an abortion.
There are now several different types of EC; one requires a prescription, but the others are available over the counter at drugstores and chains in virtually every city in America. This product—with brand names like Plan B, My Choice, and Aftera—is a modern miracle, effective as much as 98% of the time if taken soon enough.
Why oh why oh why doesn’t every fertile, sexually active American have this product in their medicine chest? It’s inexpensive and lasts for five years; after that, celebrate that you didn’t need it, and replace it with a fresh package.
~ Lubricants
After 44 years as a sex therapist, very little surprises me anymore. But I’m still amazed at the number of people who don’t use lube when they masturbate or have intercourse.
I still see women who are insulted when I suggest lube for intercourse. “I get plenty wet,” they often say indignantly. “I get aroused.” And when I suggest lube to men who have trouble entering a vagina, or whose erections are wobbly when they’re alone or with a partner, they respond as if I’ve accused them of being inept.
“Stop everything and reach for lube, right,” a patient will periodically sneer, as if I’m suggesting they reach for a diesel generator or an entire WNBA team.
But we don’t use lube to solve a problem or address a failure. We use lube to make sex more enjoyable (with or without a partner). If you keep it handy where you usually have partner sex or masturbate, reaching for it can be simple and non-intrusive.
Lube is better than spit (which quickly disappears when absorbed), and better than olive oil or any other oil (which are difficult to get out of a vagina or anus when you’re done).
Many brands of lube are available in every drugstore, typically near the condoms and/or tampons. Amazon carries 100 brands, which suggests just how common this product is. The easiest kind to use (and mandatory with condoms) are the water-soluble brands. A tip for condom users—put two drops inside the condom to increase heat transfer and make it stick to the penis better.
~ Pelvic floor therapy
Pelvic floor therapy (PFPT) is a type of physical therapy that helps rehabilitate the muscles in the pelvic floor.
Women and men are typically referred to PFPT for painful sex or orgasm; postpartum issues; pelvic organ prolapse; hemorrhoids; and incontinence. In addition to treating chronically tight muscles, the therapist can teach exercises to strengthen and relax pelvic floor muscles.
PFPT is one of those treatment programs after which people say “I feel so much better—and didn’t even realize how tight and sore I actually was until we fixed it.” If sex or orgasm hurt, or you have other pelvic issues that your physician can’t explain or resolve, get a referral to one of these fabulous practitioners.
~ Hormone replacement therapy
The more we know about estrogen replacement for middle-aged women, the better it looks.
And with 2,000,000 women entering menopause every year, the late 40s (a year or two before they begin) is a special window when women can use estrogen to protect themselves against health problems including dementia, heart disease, and osteoporosis.
But isn’t estrogen dangerous? Doesn’t it cause breast cancer? In a word, no.
That myth became widespread overnight in 2002 from methodological mistakes in a single report. Subsequent studies around the world have convincingly demolished this myth—but because “no actual problem” never gets the headlines that “wow—HUGE problem!” gets, millions of women and their doctors still believe that estrogen is dangerous.
The best book on this subject is Estrogen Matters, which I review here. It has just been updated–and is a fascinating, uplifting and totally useful book.
~ Sex therapy
The sex therapy field was formalized by Masters & Johnson some 60 years ago. Usually offered by a psychologist or marriage & family therapist, sex therapy is sometimes done by a nurse, nurse practitioner, social worker, or psychiatrist.
Sex therapists treat problems with erection, orgasm, and desire, as well as guilt, shame, anxiety, and curiosity. We also help individuals and couples think and talk about infidelity, non-monogamy, kink & BDSM, sexual orientation & identity, pornography, secrets, and past trauma.
There are several thousand experienced sex therapists in the U.S.—at least a few in every medium and large city. And now with zoom sessions, everyone can meet with a sex therapist if they want to.
The disadvantages? Cost, and the unpleasantness of talking about things you may be reluctant to think about—and may have never disclosed to another living soul. Alternatively, if you’re in therapy, discuss your sexual concerns with this professional. If you feel they’re just too uptight to do so, check it out for sure—and consider switching therapists if you’re right.
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As noted, these are marvelous interventions that can enhance the quality of life for anyone who uses one or more of them. But many people don’t. why?
~ They’re unaware they exist
~ They’re too embarrassed
~ They don’t want to admit their situation to a partner
~ They’re afraid it won’t help
~ They’re misinformed about what’s involved
~ These interventions challenge their self-image
So on Thanksgiving Day, give thanks that we in America have many sexual rights, and access to many sex-related products. If appropriate, do consider taking advantage of one or more of them.
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