I write books about sex and relationships. Too long for some people, I also write articles about sex and relationships. Too long for some people, I now post about sex and relationships on Instagram. Below are some of my favorite posts, each with a bit of explanation.
Intrigued? You can find my instagram account here.
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~ Empathy doesn’t require that I’ve had the same experience as you. It requires that I imagine what that experience feels like to you.
Empathy is a skill that anyone can learn.
One way to learn it is to ask people how they feel–when they’re happy, when they’re sad, when they’re angry, when they’re scared, when they’re confused.
Of course, then you have to listen, without judging those feelings. It’s hard, but if you do it enough times, you’ll find that you’ve developed empathy. And that will allow you to get closer to people, if you want to.
~ Unhappy that your mate watches porn? What are you REALLY upset about?
If you’re upset about your sex life, or the way your partner flirts with others, or the way your partner criticizes you, or something else, talk with him about THOSE things, rather than blaming porn.
And don’t assume that getting your partner to stop watching porn will solve any other problem. It probably won’t–it will only make him crabby.
~ Grief is the price we pay for loving.
When we care deeply about something, we risk losing it–that is, we risk pain.
Loving someone is the most extreme example of this. Because when we love, and then we lose that person (because we change, they change, one of us dies, or there’s a tragic misunderstanding), we feel grief, an emptiness that seems like it will never end.
Love is a treasure that, sooner or later, we must pay for. I don’t blame anyone who is scared of that price. I just ask people to be honest with themselves about their fear–and not simply collapse into anxiety that drains the vitality from love.
~ If you didn’t think it was a sex problem, how would you describe the problem?
Lots of people come to me for therapy because they believe they have a Sex Problem. And so they want a sex solution. But what if you believed you had a Power Dynamics problem? Or a Pursuer-Distancer problem? Or an Attachment problem? Or a Spiritual problem? Or a You Are Not The Boss Of Me problem? Or a It’s Scary to Grow Up problem? Or an I Don’t Know What This Problem Is problem?
You’d look in different places for solutions, and you’d be open to a wider range of possible approaches.
Think about what experiences you dislike and want to change before deciding what your problem is. Remember, the first step to solving a problem is deciding what the problem actually is–which is frequently the hardest part of the process.
~ What does anxiety look like on the ground? Making life more complicated than necessary.
I’m very sympathetic when I realize that someone is struggling with anxiety. How can I tell that they are? When I notice:
~ they’re concerned with very unlikely consequences;
~ they imagine and worry about others’ feelings about things that others don’t really care about;
~ they try to add more things to a project after saying they don’t have the time, money, or energy;
~ they try to please people who are already pleased;
~ they try to please people who can’t be pleased;
~ they revisit decisions already made.
Every single person who feels anxious says “I can’t help it.” Realizing that you have choices is the first step to feeling better.
~ After infidelity, if you don’t care WHY your partner cheated, you’re not serious about your relationship.
Most people who cheat are trying to address a deficit–either within themselves, or with their relationship, or both.
Being deceived hurts, of course, and the Betrayed deserves sympathy and healing. But the Betrayed owes it to themselves, to their partner, and to the relationship to understand the meaning of the betrayal.
It’s possible to be hurt and angry, and still care about what’s going on outside of oneself. Indeed, that’s one definition of adulthood. In fact, most parents try to teach that perspective to their kids way before they become adults.
~ The solution to your partner’s lack of sexual enthusiasm is NOT more sex.
When people don’t want sex very much, it’s rarely because the sex isn’t exotic enough, and it’s never because it isn’t frequent enough.
I understand that people who want more sex than their partner feel frustrated and rejected. If there’s going to be any change, it has to start with understanding WHY someone lacks enthusiasm for sex.
Does your partner feel safe telling you the truth about this? Are you prepared to hear it? And if your partner says that the sex is boring or unsatisfying, are you prepared to change your approach?
~ The experience of creating an orgasm is NOT the same as the experience of enjoying sex.
For many people, creating an orgasm involves effort, fantasizing, ignoring physical or emotional discomfort, and feeling alone. This experience isn’t limited to women, by the way.
A typical orgasm lasts just a few seconds. No matter how pleasurable, it can’t be worth 5, 10, or 30 minutes of struggle. So don’t bother. Don’t fake it–just tell your partner “I’m done, let’s please stop now.” If they feel inadequate or unattractive because you didn’t climax, that’s their problem, not yours.
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Like short videos about sexuality? www.youtube.com/@Marty_Klein
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