Minnesota Justice Paralyzed By Facial

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Former University of Minnesota football player Dominic Jones is accused of sexually assaulting a woman by, among other things, ejaculating on her face while she was drunk.

Despite eyewitness accounts that the woman asked to be “rained on,” the State says it must be rape because no sane, sober woman would actually consent to such a perversion.

Jones’ attorney requested I testify as an expert witness about the many ideas and practices regarding ejaculation and semen (and faces) that have developed over the centuries. The Chief Judge of the District Court approved the expenses for me to fly out.

But the State prosecutor pulled a legal technicality and challenged my expertise, and so the trial judge held a phone hearing. She was told I’d written five books about sexuality, trained almost 100,000 doctors and psychologists in sexuality, and done sex therapy and marriage counseling for about 30,000 hours.

And she turned me down. I hadn’t written any books on “facials.” I hadn’t taken any courses on “facials.” I hadn’t done any research studies of “facials.” It’s all true. Of course, no one has.

Denying my sexological expertise because I haven’t done research on facials—that’s like saying an experienced architect isn’t an expert because none of the houses she’s designed have rose bushes in the front.

But the judge didn’t stop there. She said even if I were an expert, such expertise wouldn’t be relevant to the case—that is, wouldn’t involve any special knowledge beyond what a typical jury member already knows.

In a single judicial gesture, Judge Rosenbaum dismissed an entire profession and its field of study.

Ironically, by displaying her ignorance of what sexologists know, the judge proved that the study of sexuality is indeed a technical profession beyond what lay people know.

Why would a woman invite a facial? Why would a man do it? Your honor, here’s some damned expertise:
* For safer sex
* To prevent pregnancy
* To share intimacy
* To give a partner a gift
* Because semen is considered magical
* To share a laugh
* Because someone came quicker than expected
* To experiment
* To maintain one’s “virginity”
* To mimic those hot ladies in porn

I’m annoyed that I’ve been insulted, although I don’t take it personally.

I’m appalled that justice is so hard to come by in Minnesota, where the only place a woman could ever want a man to come is inside her vagina—her special semen receptacle.

It is, of course, a lot easier to get convictions when the defendant does not get to put on a complete defense. Apparently, some Minnesota prosecutors and judges prefer it that way.

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