Sexual Intelligence® Blog: Latest Posts

Pornography: What We Can All Agree On

There’s a lot of passionate talk about pornography these days. The loudest voices involve a lot of false assumptions, a lot of fear and rage, a lot of predictions about porn’s destructive aspects. Some of us insist on looking at the science of it all—exactly how much (or how little) violence there is in porn, about porn’s effects from both the neuroscience and marital counseling side, about the nature of human sexual fantasy. We’re often shouted down. We’re often accused of being “pro-porn.” When I toured after my 2016 book (His Porn, Her Pain) was published, that was usually the…

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How Much Sex Do People Need?

Old therapy joke:
Q: What’s the difference between defense mechanisms and sex? A: You can go a whole day without sex.

Actually, we can go without sex for a lot longer than that. But you wouldn’t know it from listening to some of my patients. Or their partners.

It generally sounds like this: “So I just need a lot of sex. I can’t help it, that’s just how I am—I need a lot of sex, preferably every day.”

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When Partners Disagree On How Much Sex To Have

As a sex therapist, I work with couples every week in which one partner wants more sex than the other.

When it’s a small disparity people generally work it out. But when one person wants sex twice a week and other wants it twice a year, many couples simply can’t cope. Ideally, couples would struggle over this together: what are WE going to do about OUR problem?

What’s more common, unfortunately, is that each partner sees themselves as having the primary pain. And each person looks at the other and says what are YOU going to do about MY suffering that YOU’VE created?

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