As a sex therapist, I talk about masturbation with patients a lot.
They’re often surprised at the details I ask about: not just how often, but for how long, where, and what they actually do. And how they feel before, during and after it.
And I ask two questions that no one expects: Why do you do it? And do you enjoy it? You might be surprised at the answers I get…
Sexual desire.
Therapists don’t understand enough about it. We know a little about what diminishes desire, even less about what enhances it.
Oh, we know one thing about how desire works in relationships: for many people, you treat them poorly and they want sex less. But with a lot of people, you treat them well and they don’t want sex more.
And someone whose sexual desire is simply turned off? We don’t know much about how to turn it on.
Good therapists know how to fix certain aspects of desire…
Sex addiction is a convenient explanation for the destructive behavior of people driven mad by shame and Christian demands for sexual purity.
But the problem is shame, not sex. Treating shame, sexual ignorance, and relationship problems can actually cure people–so they don’t have to be addicts in recovery for the rest of their lives.
Many sex questions are a plea for reassurance, or a wish to be normal.
But it can be better to ask about a question’s meaning than to answer it.
Here are some common questions about sex that I rarely answer directly, and examples of how I respond instead.
The Gallup Poll just released their latest figures on Americans’ sexual orientation.
Almost 6% of Americans identify as LGBT. But what does that mean? Is sexual orientation about behavior or identity? Does it matter?
The words & pictures pornographers use may offend you, but they protect your right to express yourself in ways that offend others.
“Why do MY rights have to be defended by disgusting people saying ugly things?”
Well, that’s how it works. No one wants to stop you from posting cat videos. No one…