Pressuring Women For Sex—Does It Work?

Here’s what doesn’t work—pressuring your mate to have more sex than they want. Guys, you should stop doing that to women. And to yourselves.

Here’s what also doesn’t work—having sex more than you want to, month after month after month. Women, you should stop doing that (although I know that the threat of domestic violence does motivate some women). Women’s role in this dynamic isn’t discussed enough. But for now, I’ll just talk to the guys.

I know that non-straight couples have desire discrepancies, too. I’m not talking about that now. I’m also not talking about heterosexual couples where she wants sex more than he does. She may be crabby about it, may even have an affair, but I generally don’t see women aggressively pressuring men for sex.

40, 50 TIMES A YEAR?

In some couples, pressuring someone to have sex does work—20, 40, or 50 times in a year, maybe more. But you can’t pressure someone into enjoying it. You can’t force someone to be enthusiastic. And even if you succeed in having sex with someone when they’d rather not, you can’t arrange to feel desired, attractive, seen, adequate, or close to someone that way.

Here’s a law of the universe: if someone doesn’t want more sex, pressuring them to have more sex isn’t going to make them want more sex. No, it will have the opposite effect. It’s stunning how many men refuse to learn this, even as their own frustration makes this clear.

Every week, I see guys who are heartbroken that their mate doesn’t want sex as much as they do. They feel rejected. They feel desperate. Most of them aren’t really selfish jerks, and they rarely see themselves as selfish jerks. Most of them say “I love her. I want to connect with her. I want to please her. I’m turned on by how nice she looks.”

Some of these men say they “need” sex a certain amount—once a week, three times a week, whatever. That’s the word they use: “need.” They have this burning need, they can’t ignore it, and they can’t manage it on their own—so they feel it’s the woman’s problem, too.

Some people marry a guy who’s short, or balding, or left-handed, and they deal with it. Some women marry a guy who “needs” a lot of sex, and they’re expected to deal with that, too.

Except that no one “needs” sex a certain amount. People may want a certain (high) frequency of sex, but that’s different. When a guy says he “needs” sex regularly, I wonder what he actually wants: reassurance? Connection? Dominance? Soothing for anxiety or depression? Proof that he’s loved? The experience of actually being alive?

ASPARAGUS, TAYLOR SWIFT–& SEX

Of course I’m sympathetic with anyone who’s sexually frustrated, regardless of the reason. I’m sympathetic with all of my patients who can’t get what they want from life. That doesn’t mean I endorse their self-defeating strategies. This wouldn’t help anyone.

Any pair of people will have their constitutional differences about a lot of things—after all, desire for sex varies among healthy people, along with desire for asparagus and for Taylor Swift.

That non-trivial issue aside, there are other reasons that couples can’t synch their sexualities.

Sometimes people disagree on logistics—he wants sex in the morning, she in the evening. Or he doesn’t mind if the kids are at home, asleep, but she feels self-conscious. Or they can’t agree on birth control, or on whether to smoke pot before sex.

Sometimes it’s the content of the sex. She finds it physically uncomfortable. Or too fast. Or it goes on far too long. Or she feels pushed to do things she doesn’t want to do. Or she feels disrespected during the sex, because he doesn’t remember her preferences, or doesn’t notice her responses.

A lot of the time someone is turned off to sex because they’re turned off to the relationship. There’s chronic conflict. Or they don’t feel close. Or he doesn’t want affection unless it leads to sex. Or one of them drinks too much. Or there’s unresolved bitterness over an affair or other wound from the past.

The solution to this kind of situation is not “compromising” about how much sex to have. Unfortunately, many therapists work toward this questionable goal.

Before anyone can talk about how much sex they want to have, or are willing to have, a couple needs several frank conversations about their actual sexual experiences together. Does each person feel valued, seen, and treated well? Does each person feel that their preferences are acknowledged? If someone says activity X is off the table, is it—or is this the source of endless, repetitive conflict?

No matter what someone’s constitutional interest in sex is, these things will depress their desire.

And yes, these can be difficult conversations, with people taking things personally, or feeling inhibited about telling the truth. A skillful therapist can be very helpful with this—especially if they don’t look for a “compromise.”

So what are people supposed to do if they wake up one morning in a couple where their respective interests in sex are far apart?

THERAPY: NOT A GREAT TRACK RECORD, BUT…

Therapy doesn’t have a great track record in resolving this particular difficulty, but we can teach people a few things: that talking about it as partners, rather than as adversaries, is essential. That referring to what’s supposedly “normal”—regarding either person’s level of enthusiasm—never helps. And of course we know that “sex” can involve many, many enjoyable activities beyond penis-vagina intercourse.

On the one hand, making dates to be available for sex is important for busy couples who want a healthy sex life. But getting your partner to agree to a regular sex date every week (or whatever) that they don’t want will, over time, reduce their desire even more. Every therapist should realize that this is a “compromise” that won’t settle anything.

In fact, a woman’s resentment from being forced to have sex will spill over into the non-sexual part of a couple’s life. It will make living together less enjoyable, make problem-solving less cooperative, and make daily connection more superficial, all of which will depress her interest in sex even more.

What’s a guy to do? Masturbate. Connect with your partner in non-sexual ways. Enjoy affection and sensual pleasure together. And ask yourself what it is you really want.

If it’s affirmation, if it’s feeling less alone, if it’s reassurance that you’re still loved or attractive, ask for that. Many partners are perfectly willing to address those needs—they just don’t necessarily want to use a sexual vocabulary to do so.

Expanding your vocabulary may not get you more sex, but it might get you more of what you want. And if that makes you feel better, and less pushy about sex, you might even end up getting more sex.
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