Fear of intimacy

Q: The relationship I am in is like a roller coaster ride. Just when things are going well he decides we should be “just friends.” Then he says that means we can’t have sex. We have had sex many times though. I do not want to end what we have.

Dr. Klein: You say you “don’t want to end what we have.” But what do you have? It sounds as if you’re with someone who isn’t ready to have a relationship that combines sexuality with friendship. He has told you this many times, both verbally and behaviorally. By refusing to believe what he tells you about himself you are prolonging your own pain. On the other hand, by letting him control when you’re sexual and when you’re “just friends,” you are victimizing yourself.

If the relationship is exactly the way you want it, keep doing what you’re doing. If you want it to be different, and you’ve told him so, and he says no clearly and repeatedly, why are you expecting things to change? Why have you put this person in charge of your happiness?

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