You’re having sex with a new person: Do you feel excited? Anxious? Self-conscious? Lonely?
Are you enjoying the sex? With a new person, that may not be your main focus. Some people are so busy trying to do it right (or not do it wrong), that they don’t have much bandwidth available for pleasure. That’s why sex with a new person can be so disappointing.
Three factors shape our experience of sex with a new partner: communication; self-consciousness; and the use of alcohol. Let’s look at what many people experience the first time with someone new—and how to create something better.
~ Sex hurts
Regardless of gender, sex can hurt for a lot of reasons: Uncomfortable positions, insufficient lubrication, chronic pain, and people trying (or going along with) activities they aren’t in shape (or don’t know how) to do.
People know they’re supposed to stretch before they ski, run, play tennis, or play the piano. Almost nobody stretches before sex—and nobody does that the first time with a new person. That can make sex uncomfortable.
Whether you’re having intercourse, anal play, hand jobs, or using toys, making dry things wet and wet things wetter is the solution to a lot of difficulties, including pain. Not using lube because you “shouldn’t need it,” or you’re embarrassed or you don’t want to insult your new partner, is an unfortunate mistake—for which people typically blame sex, rather than themselves.
What to do if sex hurts? STOP. TALK.
~ You/he has erection problems
Erection is a hydraulic response, the end result of a chain of events that go from brain to spinal column to pelvic nerves to blood vessels. Ultimately more blood flows into the penis, which presses against the walls of the penis, and like a balloon filled with water or air, the penis gets firm.
When someone feels nervous, guilty, or uncomfortable, those emotions—which are electro-chemical moments in the body—can interfere with that brain-nervous system-vascular system handoff. That results in losing an erection, or not getting one in the first place.
That doesn’t mean you can’t have sex—but when it happens the first time with a new person, there isn’t always enough communication to negotiate a satisfying sexual connection. Worse, too many guys assume that “Oh no, I have erectile dysfunction,” which complicates future erections.
~ Insertion is a hassle
Of course, not all sex involves intercourse. Or putting something into a vagina, anus, or mouth.
But if sex does involve one of those things, a lot can go wrong. Too many people are trying to put thing A into hole B in the dark, or without discussing it, or with insufficient lubrication, or when they’ve been drinking.
Or without understanding simple anatomy. Vaginas don’t extend 90 degrees to the body. Penises don’t necessarily bend the way we sometimes demand they do. The diameter of the anal opening (and the sphincter’s one-way design) isn’t nearly as big as the things some people want to put through it (like a penis or handy household object). Even mouths aren’t as big or deep as we sometimes want them to be.
Insertion with communication can be gentle, cooperative, and pleasant. Insertion without communication rarely is.
~ You’re nervous or clumsy about birth control
If sex involves one female and one male, and both are fertile, pregnancy is possible—regardless of the sexual orientation or identity of either person. The biochemical laws of the universe don’t change because someone declares themselves gender non-binary or asexual.
Condoms work incredibly well—and most people don’t especially love them. Their main selling point is that they don’t need a lot of complex knowledge or preparation. They’re temporary, they’re cheap, and you can find them practically anywhere that there’s a cash register.
Vasectomy is a modern miracle. It hurts slightly less than nicking yourself while shaving. It has zero effects on pleasure—except to help you relax. It’s a pity more men don’t get one. It’s a lot simpler than sterilization (tubal ligation) is for women.
For women, hormonal birth control is now safer than ever, and is an option even for those with a family history of breast cancer. For those who are squeamish about taking hormones, an IUD is another modern miracle. It’s a hassle to get it inserted, but then you’re covered for five years or more.
Of course, the safest kind of birth control is not wrapping a vagina around a penis. Handjobs, oral sex, anal sex, humping through underwear, passionate kissing, and mutual masturbation can all allow for pleasure without the risk of unwanted pregnancy.
Why am I not mentioning STDs? Because a disease won’t change your life like an unplanned pregnancy will.
~ It isn’t like the sex you see in porn
Real sex can’t feel the way porn sex looks. Porn sex has the advantages of editing, lighting, scripting, and people discussing scenes cooperatively, while planning with Viagra, lubricants, enemas, etc..
Porn sex isn’t real in the same way that Star Wars and Harry Potter aren’t real. All three are entertaining, but none of them provide a blueprint for what life will be like.
Porn generally involves unusual bodies in unusual situations doing unusual things. The realest thing about porn is typically the credits at the beginning.
~ You feel a lot of pressure; you’re not even sure you want to do it
Some people talk about “performance anxiety” with a new person. What’s just as common but talked about much less is feeling pressured; agreeing to sex when you don’t really want to; or doing stuff (like choking someone or letting someone come on your face) that you don’t want to.
Some people have trouble saying no regardless of context (they’re always complaining about how hard it is to get Mary off the phone), so they acquiesce rather than “make a scene.” Their issue goes way beyond sex; note that if someone has trouble saying “no,” their “I guess so” shouldn’t be trusted.
Other people want to kiss, touch, or cuddle with someone new, but want to stop there. If they don’t think that stopping is a legitimate choice, they may find themselves going further and unable to intervene. A patient sometimes tells me “I didn’t know the other person well enough to talk about what I did and didn’t want,” which clearly means that person wasn’t ready to have sex with the new person.
And, of course, when people drink a lot, they often do things they regret. Blaming alcohol for unwanted outcomes is a poor excuse for adult responsibility—even if you’ve been exploited by someone else.
~ You don’t have an orgasm
This can be true for anyone, young or old.
The reasons vary: you aren’t getting the stimulation you need; you’re nervous; you’re afraid of unwanted pregnancy; you’ve been drinking or using drugs; you’re concerned that God disapproves of what you’re doing; you don’t want to lose control with a person you don’t trust yet; it’s the side effect of a medication such as an anti-depressant.
Note that orgasm is NOT the most important part of sex. It only lasts a few seconds, and it can’t possibly compensate for sex that’s boring, annoying, or scary.
Orgasms are nice. But the rest of sex should be, and if it isn’t, orgasm is unlikely. And even if it happens, that can’t redeem the rest of what just went on.
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Again, there are three keys to making sex with a new person more enjoyable: communication; self-acceptance (including your own preferences); and limiting alcohol use. Those are the easiest ways to create a first sexual experience with someone so that you’ll want a second one.
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