Speaking As Janet Jackson’s Nipple…

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…I gotta say I’m kinda confused. OK, I’m peeved.

When I think of what you people put me through after the 2004 Superbowl, I shiver—and not in a good way.

That ½-second shot of me during halftime? First, you accused me of ruining not just half-time, but the rest of the game. Then Morality In Media starts a campaign to punish CBS, which the FCC eventually did. For months, congressmembers competed to see who could denounce me the loudest. Eventually this led to the federal government increasing the fines for on-air “indecency” by 1,000%. People even trashed me during the 2004 presidential election.

I proudly remind you that the video of that ½ second was the most downloaded clip in internet history. Guess that shows how much people wanted to be “protected” from a quick glance at me.

Folks, I’ve moved onto other things, so I’ve let it go. To me, Nipplegate is history, I’m still gorgeous, and I entertain people exclusively in private. No complaints from any of them.

But now you have this major fuss about Superbowl ads this weekend, and I just can’t stay quiet. And I’m pissed.

I wasn’t good enough for you so-called decency groups, but a commercial about abortion is? What about that stupid argument you used on me 6 years ago—“I don’t want to have to explain Jackson’s bare nipple to my kid”—what, it’s less complicated to tell a kid what abortion is, and what “choice” and “pro-life mean”? Focus on the Family (the sponsor) is just plain disingenuous here. Or as you non-nipples might say, they’re full of bull.

And then CBS caves to right-wing pressure and rejects an ad for a gay dating site—guys hugging, or kissing, or whatever. Ooooooh, that’s so hard to explain to a kid. Try this: “those guys really care for each other, so they’re being affectionate. That’s what people do when they’re really into each other.” It’s the same approach I told you all to take when I was exposed for a half-second during Superbowl XXXVIII: the truth. “It’s a nipple. All women have them. Heck, men and boys have them too, right Timmy?”

Being comfortable with sex is not a right, and government shouldn’t be protecting people who are uncomfortable with it—any more than it protects people who aren’t comfortable seeing mixed-race couples hold hands, or women broadcasting the news.

Of course, we do have a name for people who are uncomfortable talking with their kids about life. They’re called parents. So my advice for when a nipple or boy-boy kiss is staring you and your kid in the face, and you’re uncomfortable? Parent the kid. Be uncomfortable and parent the kid.

I appreciate the huge amount of attention you gave me six years ago. I like the idea that you thought I was so powerful, although I didn’t like being called nasty names. The only criticism of my ½-second stardom that I really liked was Marty Klein’s.

He complained the lighting wasn’t good enough.

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