Joel and Marissa are very nice people. They care for each other and plan to spend their lives together. Each of them has very little sexual experience, however, and they’re having trouble getting into any sort of intimate rhythm together.
They’ve come to me while grappling with a perfect storm: very little sexual experience, very little knowledge about sex and bodies, and a lot of anxiety about sexual activity and competence. This would be enough to make sex difficult for anyone.
Last week I gave a weekend retreat for a dozen couples in Chicago. They wanted bedroom tricks; instead, I focused on self-acceptance, relaxation, being present, and communication. Why is this more important?
As a sex therapist for over 30 years, one of the most common goals people have come in with is “I want to be a better lover.” Of course, different people mean different things by that. These range from “I want my partner to enjoy sex more;” to “I want to compete more effectively with other would-be lovers (real or imagined);” to “I want to enjoy sex more.” Some of these people are highly experienced, while others are beginners. Most people who “want to be better lovers” are after some new technique, the latest sex toy, or a position they…