Arguments About Porn Aren’t About Porn

Millions of couples argue about porn.

The arguments sound like they’re about porn, but they really aren’t.

The conflict almost invariably involves a woman who’s unhappy with a man’s porn-viewing, while the man defends himself or criticizes the woman’s unhappiness. Couples can argue about porn for hours, over months and years, and easily avoid talking about what’s really bothering them.

The arguments typically sound like this: “I don’t want you looking at porn because…

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Shame—A Bigger Problem Than Your Penis, Vagina, Fantasies, or Desire

At our first session, when I ask “what would you like to accomplish in our therapy,” people will often mention their fantasies (too weird?), their desire (too low, too high), or their penis or vagina (which won’t do what they want when they want it).

Very few people say “I want to feel less shame.” Of course not—they’re too ashamed.

Sexual shame has many causes–and it’s usually not an individual’s fault. It takes many forms, which therapy can often reduce.

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Porn Didn’t Destroy This Marriage—Her PornPhobia Could

What kind of a woman would destroy a perfectly good marriage (and great sex life) because her husband looks at porn?

There’s too, too many of them. One of those hubbies came to see me last week.

OK, he lied about watching. Not cool to lie.

But why would a grownup lie? The reason isn’t that complicated—he…

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Why Do Men Pay For Handjobs?

Totally by coincidence, two different guys called me for therapy this week with similar issues. One was regularly going to massage parlors for “happy endings,” and the other was paying young men he met on Grindr for quickies.

They each thought their behavior was wrong, and both felt ashamed. The first guy, Pedro, wanted to stop. The second guy, Chang, didn’t really want to stop, but thought he “should.”

Both guys are married. Both guys have high-paying, pressure-filled jobs. Both guys have trouble talking about sex. So they’ve each arranged to have sexual encounters without any talking.

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