Every week I ask patients lots and lots of questions. Sometimes I get a straight answer. Often, someone will dance around an issue, or avoid the question by answering a different one.
When patients ask me a question, though, I either give them a direct answer–or I challenge the question itself.
Here are examples of questions that I generally don’t answer directly–because I’m challenging the assumptions…
You might be surprised, maybe even shocked, to find out how often a man comes into my office and asks, “In sex, how are you supposed to get excited if you’re not watching porn?”
Many of GenZ’s young men have a troubled relationship to sex.
Porn is not the problem.
However, HOW young men consume and digest porn is a big problem.
Most people are able to watch films like Star Wars, The Hurt Locker, Mad Max, and Harry Potter without thinking that they’re instructional—manuals on how to drive, fly, fight, or conjure.
But somehow, today’s young men think porn is a library of documentaries…
Millions of couples argue about porn.
The arguments sound like they’re about porn, but they really aren’t.
The conflict almost invariably involves a woman who’s unhappy with a man’s porn-viewing, while the man defends himself or criticizes the woman’s unhappiness. Couples can argue about porn for hours, over months and years, and easily avoid talking about what’s really bothering them.
The arguments typically sound like this: “I don’t want you looking at porn because…
At our first session, when I ask “what would you like to accomplish in our therapy,” people will often mention their fantasies (too weird?), their desire (too low, too high), or their penis or vagina (which won’t do what they want when they want it).
Very few people say “I want to feel less shame.” Of course not—they’re too ashamed.
Sexual shame has many causes–and it’s usually not an individual’s fault. It takes many forms, which therapy can often reduce.
What kind of a woman would destroy a perfectly good marriage (and great sex life) because her husband looks at porn?
There’s too, too many of them. One of those hubbies came to see me last week.
OK, he lied about watching. Not cool to lie.
But why would a grownup lie? The reason isn’t that complicated—he…