Patients tell me they want sex to be “natural and spontaneous.” They want it to be easy and enjoyable, a source of pleasure, comfort, and connection.
And yet year after year, these same perfectly nice people construct sex so that it’s complicated, frustrating, and anxiety-provoking–because of their ideas about sex.
I guess every generation needs to learn this themselves: that sex at 40, 50, and beyond is not the same as sex when we’re 18 or 21 or 27.
When a grownup learns this, certain sexual “problems” disappear.
I’ve always said that I’m not one of those sex therapists who gives advice. I don’t tell you who you shouldn’t marry, which sex position “most women” like, or if you should try a threesome.
Rather, I see my job focusing more on education: providing facts about biology, laying out competing ideas about how to make decisions, and sharing my accumulated experience of how things tend to work.
At age 66, Louis doesn’t orgasm every time he has sex. He doesn’t mind, but it’s driving his girlfriend crazy.
Here are some suggested resolutions regarding your sexual behavior in 2019—specifically, what you should promise yourself to NOT do.
Just about every week I see a new patient who complains that he has trouble having orgasms.
Of course, I ask lots of questions. Does this happen only with a partner, or with masturbation too? What medication is he taking? How much alcohol is generally involved before and during sex? How does his partner usually respond? How does he usually respond?
And if he’s been bothered about this for a while, why is he coming in now?
I want to eliminate medical issues first, so I always ask if he’s seen a physician. Since many of these guys are referred to me by a doc, let’s skip over the possible health issues (such as diabetes, auto-immune diseases, and possession by the devil) and…