Many people think performance anxiety around sex is inevitable. But the reasons can be understood, and the anxiety changed–so that people can enjoy a broader range of sexual experiences, free from the fear of disappointment and self-criticism.
Every week, people come for therapy with desire issues. Someone wants higher libido. Someone else wants their partner to have a higher libido.
My answer is frequently…let’s talk about something else. Important issues might include:
~ Power dynamics
~ Body image
~ Self-esteem
~ Conflict management
~ Old wounds—the individual’s, the partner’s, or the couple’s
~ Religion
~ Alcohol and drugs
~ Aging, health, chronic pain, menopause, contraception
Sometimes the problem is easy to…
“A client wonders if she’s bisexual. How do I help her decide?”
“A patient thinks he’s asexual. How do I evaluate this?”
I provide case consultations for many therapists each month, and questions like these are not unusual. Much to the surprise of my colleagues, I generally say that they—and their patients—are asking the wrong question.
Many therapists say that labels such as “bisexual,” “asexual,” and “demisexual” give people permission to (finally) be who they are. But I say…
Pressuring a partner to have sex will, over time, poison the relationship. Similarly, if someone acquiesces to sex they don’t want, over and over, that will poison the relationship, too.
Men should stop doing the first, and women should stop doing the second.
And by the way, no one “needs” sex a certain amount every week (or month or year). Some people WANT it much more frequently than they have it–but that’s NOT the same…
Yes, our sexual rights are under attack in dreadful ways. But let’s be thankful for the sexual freedoms, technologies, and options we do have right now. I’ve chosen some that many people don’t take full advantage of—and I encourage you to do so.
Millions of couples argue about porn.
The arguments sound like they’re about porn, but they really aren’t.
The conflict almost invariably involves a woman who’s unhappy with a man’s porn-viewing, while the man defends himself or criticizes the woman’s unhappiness. Couples can argue about porn for hours, over months and years, and easily avoid talking about what’s really bothering them.
The arguments typically sound like this: “I don’t want you looking at porn because…