As we approach the anniversary of America’s independence, what’s the state of our sexual freedom?
On the one hand, there are external restrictions on our erotic expression: the criminalization of abortion, requirements to upload an ID to watch porn in some states, restrictions on credit card use by sex workers, the lack of accurate sex education in school (usually even worse in families that home-school), the censorship of both school and adult libraries, and more.
As ghastly as those external restrictions are, the internal restrictions we place on our sexual expression are equally powerful and troubling. These include guilt about our preferences, shame about our fantasies, the refusal to communicate with a partner, rejection of one’s body, substance abuse (especially alcohol), ignorance about biology, gender stereotypes, refusal to take menopause and perimenopause seriously, and over-dependence on social media and AI.
These self-imposed internal restrictions make it hard to exercise the political rights we do have–e.g., the use of birth control; having a home inventory of mifepristone and Plan B (which prevents pregnancy, rather than aborting one); accessing porn via VPN; accessing accurate information from doctors (and giving doctors complete information about us); the legality of unmarried sex (which all Americans take for granted); requesting insurance reimbursement for sex therapy; getting STD screenings, and more.
Rights don’t do us much good if we’re too embarrassed to use them.
We have many personal sexual options in America that are taboo in other cultures. Nevertheless, our own inhibitions can prevent us from pursuing or enjoying them. These include non-intercourse sex; using lubricant; accepting your body as it is; denying that you masturbate if a partner asks; initiating sex; saying no clearly and without drama; and using a vibrator. None of those is even vaguely illegal; that is, we have “freedom” to do these things.
External, political freedom, that is. Internal freedom, not so much.
Which is really too bad.
Hearing about this from patients every week, I’m sympathetic about it. Many of us labor under obsolete perceptions and decisions from childhood, protecting ourselves from threats and danger that no longer exists. Ultimately, the human task we each face is to free ourselves from fear of the past (which masquerades as fear of the present or future). And to learn to tolerate the (imagined or real) disapproval of others.
Here are a few ways that Americans could be more free sexually without any change from our government:
* Use reliable contraception.
Not enough people do, including highly educated people.
* Talk to your kids about sex. And while you’re at it, about porn.
In a giant step backwards from 35 years ago, accurate, useful school sex education is now almost non-existent. It’s now primarily propaganda about gender stereotypes and the dangers of premarital sex. So if you don’t want that, or porn, or tiktok and instagram to be your kids’ sex ed, you’ll need to do it yourself.
Don’t wait until you’re comfortable doing so.
* If you’re seeing a therapist, talk to them about sex even if they’re uncomfortable.
Or find another therapist.
* Be sober the first time you have sex with a new partner.
Your body parts will work better, you’ll communicate more effectively, and you’ll make better decisions.
* Deal with menopause and perimenopause.
Talk to your gynecologist or women’s clinic about this by the time you’re 35. Yes, really. Remember, the time to go on hormone replacement therapy is 18 months before you start menopause. That means establishing a relationship with a doctor and doing your own research a year before that.
* Don’t overuse Viagra.
If you don’t get erect every time you want to, that is not “E.D.” That’s the normal rhythm of the human body.
And if you go to a urologist who tells you there’s nothing wrong with you physically, do not go to AI or social media. Go to a therapist, clergyperson, or other qualified adult and talk about your issues.
If you start Viagra instead, and you get erections (which often happens in the normal course of events), you’ll be hesitant to stop using the drug, and you’ll never discover that you do, in fact, get plenty of erections when the circumstances are right.
* Accept your body exactly as it is.
You won’t wake up tomorrow with a more “attractive” body—younger, slimmer, fitter, less or more hairy (whichever you desire). Your body parts won’t be more symmetrical, you won’t be less wrinkled, your teeth won’t be whiter, and your skin won’t be smoother.
If you’re waiting for any of these magical outcomes before feeling eligible for sex, you never will. On the other hand, the second you accept your very-human, very-imperfect body, the second you decide your body isn’t something to hide, you’ll be eligible for all that sex offers.
At that point, the constraints—and opportunities—around sex will be your curiosity and imagination, physical wellness, willingness to communicate, and your partner.
That’s what sexual freedom looks like.
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The loss of our political rights is a legitimate thing to be enraged about. Action is certainly called for. But it’s easier to complain about external constraints than it is to acknowledge the internal dialogues that hold us back from using the rights we do have.
Yes, freedom is scary. It always involves risk.
However, under the right circumstances (consent, honesty, and responsibility), sex is one of the safest places in life to take risks. With the right person, if unwanted pregnancy is not a possibility, nothing that goes wrong can be more than just a big disappointment.
That realization is what sexual freedom feels like.
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