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Changing the Way People, Politics & the Media Look at Sex

University of Central Oklahoma

by Dr. Marty Klein on December 14, 2011·Sexual Intelligence Blog

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Are You a Human?

8 + 8 =

doctormartyklein

S€x Therapist/Couples Therapist
Author of 7 books 📚
Forensic Expert: S€xual Behavior, P0rn, Fantasy, Paraphilias, Obscenity.
International Lecturer

There's a big difference between "this is what I w

There's a big difference between "this is what I want, and this is what I do" and "this is who I AM."
Of course it's important for everyone to know who they are. It's also important to know what you can change, should you want to.
We're all more emotionally flexible than we want to admit. Saying "I can't" is much easier than saying "I don't want to." We don't have to take responsibility for what's not possible. So it's convenient when we "can't" do what we don't want to.
These days, there's way too much emphasis on "identity"--that is, what sexual club I belong to, what choices and beliefs I'm not responsible for, what I don't have to challenge myself about.
How would you grow if you thought about yourself in terms of preferences and choices, rather than "that's just who I am"?

#therapythoughts
#drmartyklein
#doctormartykelin
#selfimprovement
#couplestherapy

This should be a slam-dunk, but for many people it

This should be a slam-dunk, but for many people it isn't. The goal of relationship conflict shouldn't be to triumph, proving the other person wrong.
The goals of relationship conflict should be to enhance mutual understanding of a situation; to clarify exactly what agreements are in effect, so partners can better predict each others' behavior; to explain how one partner's words or behavior leads to the other's feelings; and to request a change in behavior, or a new agreement, moving forward.
You don't do this work with an adversary you're trying to beat, not really caring how they feel during the process; you do this with someone you're planning to continue a relationship with, each of you caring about the others' experience of the process.
#conflictmanagement
#couplestherapy
#therapythoughts
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein

Many, many people catastrophize the occasional lac

Many, many people catastrophize the occasional lack or loss of erection.
Now that anyone can get the drug online (with no medical supervision, which can be a huge mistake), lots of guys head straight for Viagra the first time they don't get erect when they want to.
Once you start taking it, it's hard to stop--who wants to take a chance? Lots of common circumstances (such as alcohol and casual sex) undermine erection. If you don't get erect 4 or 5 times when you want to, speak to a doctor--not Hims/Hers, not AI, and not reddit.
#erectiledisappointment
#ED
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein
#sextherapy

There are plenty of good reasons to want sex: plea

There are plenty of good reasons to want sex: pleasure, connection, reassurance, feeling competent, enjoying your body, giving someone else a treat, feeling naughty, getting pregnant.
Sometimes we want sex for several reasons. And reasons change from one encounter to another.
If two people want to have sex for reasons that are compatible, there's a good chance they can enjoy sex together. But if their reasons are incompatible--say, one person wants to feel naughty, while the other person wants warmth and reassurance--creating sex that both enjoy could be difficult.
The upshot: (1) Be honest with yourself about what you want; (2) Talk with your partner about what you each want; (3) Realize that realistically, sex may not be the best choice for two people at a particular time.

#therapythoughts
#doctormartyklein
#drmartyklein
#sextherapy
#sexeducation

Robots haven’t replaced us yet, but we look more l

Robots haven’t replaced us yet, but we look more like machines than ever: hours and hours sitting, days and days of looking at screens, with an occasional 30 minutes in an Uber.
Sex happens in our bodies, so for better (or more) sex, reclaim your body! Any sort of movement helps: walking, yoga, sports, the gym, sex itself. All the sitting, staring, and scrolling has put your body to sleep; for better sex, it needs to wake up.
The best kind of moving will take you outside—where trees will stimulate your eyes, birds (and cars) will awaken your ears, and sunshine will enliven your skin.
Important note: do NOT bring your phone with you!

Accusing someone of being part of a problematic ca

Accusing someone of being part of a problematic category (homophobic, fascist, etc.) is never helpful. No one ever says, "Yes, you're right;" in fact, people almost always deny it, and they feel resentful, too.

If, however, we talk about ourselves--"here's how I feel when you say or do that (unimportant, lonely, scared, etc.)"--we may actually touch someone. While they may say, "I don't understand," they can't say "No, you don't feel that way." And if someone cares about you, they may actually ask why you feel hurt when that wasn't their intention.

That's one way to improve communication and reduce conflict.

#conflictmanagement
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein
#communicationskills
#therapythoughts

When someone believes you're going to do something

When someone believes you're going to do something, they generally don't care why you failed to do so. They often feel manipulated or disrespected. And telling them "It's not that big a deal" doesn't help. It's not about the thing you didn't do; it's about the broken commitment.

People often agree to do things they don't want to, attempting to avoid the conflict that would follow if they said "no, I don't want to do that." It's way better to have that conflict (as equals), rather than the disappointment and accusations that follow a broken commitment.
#conflictavoidance
#couplestherapy
#doctormartyklein
#drmartyklien
#brokenagreements

Sometimes we have a vision of another person's pot

Sometimes we have a vision of another person's potential: they could be and do SO much! They could overcome their current pain or obstacle! They're so much better than they believe!
Loving someone who doesn't believe enough in themselves is painful, isn't it? You can tell that person they're loved, you can share your vision with them, but...if they don't believe in themselves, your love won't be enough to change that.
Yes, that's sad. But ultimately, you have to accept that someone has a limited picture of themselves. If you don't, you'll end up resenting each other.
#relationshipthoughts
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein
#healthyrelationships
#resilience

There are plenty of good reasons to want sex: plea

There are plenty of good reasons to want sex: pleasure, connection, reassurance, feeling competent, enjoying your body, giving someone else a treat, feeling naughty, getting pregnant.
Sometimes we want sex for several reasons. And reasons change from one encounter to another.
If two people want to have sex for reasons that are compatible, there's a good chance they can enjoy sex together. But if their reasons are incompatible--say, one person wants to feel naughty, while the other person wants warmth and reassurance--creating sex that both enjoy could be difficult.
The upshot: (1) Be honest with yourself about what you want; (2) Talk with your partner about what you each want; (3) Realize that realistically, sex may not be the best choice for two people at a particular time.

#therapythoughts
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein
#sextherapy
#couplestherapy

I was in Philadelphia this week, speaking at the F

I was in Philadelphia this week, speaking at the First Amendment Lawyers Association.

They are a courageous, brilliant, funny group of attorneys who argue cases involving our rights to express ourselves, consume whatever media we want, be free from government surveillance, and to use the internet as we choose. Periodically, I’m an expert witness in cases involving sexual behavior or sexual fantasy.

I presented “Attorneys & Mental Health”—crucial for a bunch of professionals who spend their lives fighting unreasonable, arbitrary state and federal restrictions on our freedom to express ourselves and make our own choices. #mentalhealthcare #attorneysmentalhealth #drmartyklein #doctormartyklein #professionalmentalhealth

Keeping track of wounds is a good way to keep pain

Keeping track of wounds is a good way to keep pain alive. That's rarely a good idea.
And keeping track of wounds so you can recite them to a partner or friend whenever you're hurt or angry is an even worse idea.
If you feel wounded by someone's behavior or words, tell them--in a way that they can hear. Then figure out what you two want to do about it. The goal is to be done with the pain: you fix a misunderstanding, your partner promises to change a behavior, or you make a new agreement (or clarify an existing agreement) about what you can each expect.
Anything less means that your pain will accumulate over time. And that's no good for anyone.
#hurtmuseum
#lettinggo
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein
#therapythoughts

This has been true since at least the 1970s--assum

This has been true since at least the 1970s--assuming that lots of other people have more sex, more sexual variety, and more satisfaction than you do.
If--IF--other people have more and better sex than you, why might that be true? Would it be because other people have sexier bodies, or sexier partners, or special techniques, or less aggravating early experiences? No, if other people enjoy sex more than you, these are generally not the reasons.
In reality, what do any of us--what do YOU--need emotionally to enjoy sex more?
#sextherapist
#sexeducation
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein
#therapythoughts

If you think of yourself as damaged or unattractiv

If you think of yourself as damaged or unattractive, why would you want someone to get to know you better? Why expose even more of your ugliness that they haven't seen yet? Why risk their judgement, even abandonment?
Besides, if you care for someone, and you think you're not worth much, you'd want better for them than you can offer.
All of which means that if you want to improve your relationships, make sure you value yourself.
#valuablerelationships
#lovingourselves
#therapythoughts
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein

When young children are expected to caretake their

When young children are expected to caretake their parents emotionally or physically, they always fail--because they're young children.
They fail to prevent mom from drinking, or to prevent dad from gambling. They fail to heal a parent's depression or anxiety. They fail to sufficiently replace a dead sibling, who only gets more beloved over time. They fail to be a successful enough kid to persuade an immature parent that they're a good parent.
Adults who lived such a failure-laden childhood are a significant part of my therapy practice. Convincing these adults that they're good enough, that they loved their parents enough, and that they couldn't possibly have rescued an emotionally wounded parent is slow, difficult work.
Sometimes therapy actually heals this adult, who emerges like an excited bird from a cage--flying into a world of possibility.

#lifespanpsychology
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein
#emotionalpain
#therapythoughts

It's easy to be offended--and very satisfying. The

It's easy to be offended--and very satisfying. The outrage, the moral superiority, the confidence of being right--it's absolutely energizing.
And it takes no thought whatsoever. More importantly, it takes no curiosity. It rejects dialogue, the idea that we can learn from engaging in disagreement with someone.
That's the sophisticated alternative to being offended--disagreeing, and exposing one's thoughts to the marketplace of ideas. Are you up to the challenge?

#freespeech
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein
#offended
#therapythoughts

These are the main sources of friction in intimate

These are the main sources of friction in intimate relationships.

Put another way, these are the main sources of connection and mutual validation in intimate relationships.

Put another way, these are the areas in which most couples need common values, goals, and perspectives. While all couples have some disagreement and conflict, the lack of shared values in these critical areas almost always predict serious relationship problems and regret.

Yes, it can be hard to discuss these domains seriously. The alternative is often even worse.
#relationshipgoals
#couplesgoals
#couplestherapist
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein

Intimacy requires that we pay attention to the per

Intimacy requires that we pay attention to the person we’re with, suspending our judgements. And that we bring our authentic self, suspending our self-judgements, and trusting that we’ll be accepted.

Intimacy is the opposite of seeing the world in categories. We make the effort to see the other person (and ourselves) as unique in the world–not, say, as an Italian, or a Mid-Westerner, a Berkeley grad, a slut, a dentist, a divorcee, or a man.

Intimacy requires self-discipline–prioritizing self-to-self connection, rather than performance or evaluation.
.
These are all different descriptions of “being present.”
#beingpresent
#intimacychallenge
#couplestherapy
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein

We all miss people, places, and activities that we

We all miss people, places, and activities that we enjoyed at one time–and don’t wish to revisit.

There’s nothing wrong with a sense of melancholy or nostalgia about them. But those feelings shouldn’t drive our decision-making.

Most things that aren’t good for us aren’t 100% bad. That makes it dangerous to focus only on the enjoyable side of things that are impulsive, toxic, or don’t fit our current values or goals.

So missing something and wanting something are actually two different things. We can participate in the first without the second.
#relationshipbreakup
#relationship101
#relationshiptherapist
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein

Every week, I deal with people complaining that th

Every week, I deal with people complaining that their partner hardly every initiates sex. Once that becomes the focus of a couple’s sex life, that person usually becomes even less interest in sex.

If you partner says “yes” most of the time that you initiate, accept your fate (and the sex). If your partner says “no” most of the time that you initiate, decide if you want to stay or go. Then either stay or go.

Some people have trouble feeling loved or attractive if their partner rarely initiates sex–even if they enjoy sex regularly. The solution is to grow emotionally, finding other ways of feeling loved or attractive–not to demand that your partner change.
#intimacy
#relationshipgoals
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein

“Desire” is a shorthand reference to a range of ci

“Desire” is a shorthand reference to a range of circumstances and feelings.

How good does your body feel? How many distractions are you dealing with? What’s the state of the relationship? Can you postpone other demands on your time? What was the most recent sexual experience like? How physically attracted are you? How are you feeling about the other person? How horny are you?

While we each have a baseline level of typical desire–some of us higher, some of us lower–dozens of factors raise and lower this level.

What affects YOUR desire?

#desire
#desireacrossthelifespan
#drmartyklein
#doctormartyklein
#desirevsarousal

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