Whenever I write or lecture about pornography, some wives and girlfriends eagerly respond with stories that supposedly prove how damaging pornography is.
Examples include:
~ He tells me I should look or act more like a porn star
~ He leaves porn around the house where the kids can find it
~ He insists on sexual activities with me that I don’t want
~ He won’t have sex with me anymore
~ He watches porn and then hits me
~ He’ll only have sex with me if we look at porn together
~ He ignores me if he doesn’t get enough sex
Every single one of these situations sounds awful, and I am truly sympathetic to anyone who’s in one of them. However, none of these is a porn problem.
Why does it matter how we categorize a problem? Because that determines where we look for a solution. And none of the above problems would be solved by eliminating porn from the house, the marriage, or the world.
If your relationship sucks and he watches porn, don’t blame porn.
If he treats you badly and he watches porn, don’t blame porn.
If he won’t have sex with you, don’t blame porn.
If he’s unfaithful, don’t blame porn.
If he constantly insists on having sex with you, don’t blame porn.
Every week I work with couples in which one person bullies the other around money: he won’t share the details of their accounts, won’t disclose the account password, buys whatever he wants and criticizes what she buys.
These couples come in saying “we have a money problem,” but I disagree. More money (or less money) won’t solve their problem. The issue is power. Or disrespect. Or someone accepting being treated badly. Or someone acting like a jerk.
The same is true for “golf problems.” She forgets his birthday because she has a golf tournament. She checks golf scores on her phone while they’re out to dinner. She tracks her muddy golf shoes through the kitchen. She spends money earmarked for a vacation on new golf equipment. This couple doesn’t have a golf problem—they have a selfish person problem.
This problem wouldn’t be solved by simply removing golf from their lives. Selfish people will always find ways to behave selfishly. Angry people will always find ways to behave angrily.
Why are people so eager to blame porn for their mate’s poor behavior? For some, it’s easier than admitting to themselves that they have a dysfunctional relationship. For others, it’s easier than sitting a partner down and saying I’m unhappy and I need change. For some people, it’s easier than talking about sex. Or admitting that they’re partly responsible for the collapse of the sexual relationship.
Unhappy spouses and couples have been unhappy about the same things for thousands of years. Infidelity, abandonment, selfishness, fear of aging, conflicts over child-rearing, anger and disappointment are described in every century of the world’s literature: the Iliad, the Bible, the Canterbury Tales, Shakespeare, Star Wars. Porn didn’t invent a single one of those problems.
When people say they’re in pain, of course I listen. When they blame porn for their pain I encourage them to talk about it. I use a few analogies or metaphors (like the one above about golf), and help people get curious about whether there’s something going on that’s bigger than porn.
That can be hard to talk about, too. But at least that conversation has a chance of being productive.
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