Every week or two, a new patient complains that their partner rarely initiates sex. The new patient expects me to figure out why—and more importantly, how to get their partner to change and initiate more.
People who rarely initiate sex fall into one of three categories:
a) They like the sex they have
b) They like sex, but not the sex that’s available
c) They don’t much care for sex
DO YOU LIKE ASPARAGUS?
If someone doesn’t care for sex, expecting them to initiate it is unrealistic (I don’t like asparagus, and no one is surprised that I don’t cook it or order it in restaurants). That couple needs a different conversation, perhaps about whether to continue the relationship.
If someone likes sex, but doesn’t like the sex that’s available in their current relationship, expecting them to initiate it is also unrealistic. These couples need to figure out how to make the sex more appealing to both parties. This may involve sexual changes (less of this, more of that, an end to certain requests), or non-sexual changes (less drinking, less teasing, less bullying; less self-criticism, fewer fantasies about being judged; a redistribution of household chores or parenting routines or rules about finances).
So let’s talk about partners who like sex more or less as it is—except for the initiating part. These people often say things like:
* “I’m always being criticized for my inadequate desire.”
* “When I do initiate, she says I do it wrong.”
* “He doesn’t even give me a chance to initiate, he’s always on top of me.”
* “He complains all the time that we don’t have enough sex.”
Conditions like these are enough to discourage anyone from initiating sex.
In addition, people who don’t initiate sometimes have complicated emotions about it, such as “I feel clumsy when I initiate,” or “I was always told initiating sex wasn’t ladylike,” or “I’m afraid you’ll laugh at me or say no if I do suggest sex.”
LET’S LOOK AT IT DIFFERENTLY
But let’s look at the inverse: why do some people get so distressed when their partner doesn’t initiate?
Those people often say:
“I want to feel desired.”
“If I didn’t initiate, we’d never have sex.”
“I need to know she really wants sex.”
“We hardly ever have sex anymore.”
Of course, if the complaint is “we hardly ever have sex,” the question isn’t, Why won’t my partner initiate, it’s Why doesn’t my partner want sex with me. Your partner has the answer, and may disclose it if you ask directly—especially if it’s not in the middle of the same old late-night argument.
Unfortunately, some people have trouble feeling loved, or important, or attractive when their partner doesn’t initiate sex. Now it’s one thing to be disappointed if your partner doesn’t want sex as much as you do, or they don’t like to initiate. It’s entirely different to assign MEANING to that, such as “if you don’t initiate, it means you don’t love me.”
Since most of us want to feel loved, it’s important that we each have multiple ways of getting and enjoying that feeling. These might include our partner doing favors for us (like one of our chores), or being affectionate, or doing activities we really like that they don’t, or supporting us in a difficult project, such as losing weight or quitting smoking.
I don’t like the simplistic “love languages” scheme, but it can help a couple who’s stuck. In reality, your partner might be expressing love or attraction using a non-sexual (or non-initiating) vocabulary. Rather than complain that you can’t feel loved if your partner doesn’t initiate, you’re better off exploring, discussing, and learning alternative ways that you can feel loved.
SKIING? SUSHI?
Couples generally don’t expect that they’ll desire their common interests exactly the same amount: You both ski, but one of you suggests it more often than the other. You both love sushi, but one of you suggests it more often. And no one complains “why don’t you suggest skiing or sushi more often?”
But somehow with sex, many people expect that two people’s appetites or styles will be exactly the same. And that’s a rarity, whether a couple has a lot of sex or very little.
Enjoying being in a couple requires that we learn how to tolerate occasionally not getting what we want. Tolerating disappointment about one thing while you’re getting other things you do want is an important life skill. Put another way, anyone who wants to enjoy life will not let their disappointment about what they miss ruin their appreciation of what they have.
When people are happy with the frequency and quality of their sex lives, they generally pay very little attention to who initiates. If you’re unhappy about either one, don’t waste time talking about who initiates; work together to figure out where your sexual interests/preferences overlap, identify how each of you wants to feel in the relationship, and talk about how you can arrange for that—regardless of your current sex life.
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