Q: I obsess concerning orgasm (whether or not I’m going to climax), which produces anxiety. I’m 73 and in good health.
Dr. Klein: You present the answer to your own question: you say you obsess concerning orgasm, which produces anxiety. Orgasm is an involuntary reflex that we cannot control. All we can do is either get out of the way or inhibit it. As you have observed, obsession and anxiety inhibit it.
No man ejaculates every single time he has sex. And as we get older, our ejaculation reflex slows down the same way our other reflexes do.
The only way you can facilitate more frequent orgasm (notice I didn’t say “guarantee”!) is to be as relaxed as possible before and during sex. You might benefit from 30 seconds (yes, that’s all it takes) of quiet relaxation before you start sex. Breath slowly and deeply, letting go of the cares of the day. Visualize how enjoyable the sex is going to be: how it will feel, smell, look, and taste.
During sex, keep breathing deeply, and focus on the present moment, rather than the future. How does it feel now? “Now” is the only time that matters during sex–that’s what makes it different from work, parenting, gardening, and other activities. If during sex your mind starts to wander into the future (“Will I come? Will I take too long?”, etc.) refocus it on something tangible and present: the sound of your breathing, the color of your partner’s face, the smell of her hair, etc.
The more you focus on how good sex feels (and, of course, communicate with your partner so you can get the stimulation you want), the more likely it is you will have an orgasm. If you want, use your own hand to “finish yourself” and have an orgasm. This is something that many sophisticated lovers (male and female) do. Your partner can kiss or nibble you while you do.
Remember, orgasm is not the goal of sex, it is a little bonus during or at the end of sex. Relax and enjoy the rest of lovemaking!