“A client wonders if she’s bisexual. How do I help her decide?”
“A patient thinks he’s asexual. How do I evaluate this?”
I provide case consultations for many therapists each month, and questions like these are not unusual. Much to the surprise of my colleagues, I generally say that they—and their patients—are asking the wrong question.
Many therapists say that labels such as “bisexual,” “asexual,” and “demisexual” give people permission to (finally) be who they are. But I say…
One of the most common problems people come to see me about?
“I have low desire.”
“He has low desire.”
“She has low desire.”
In response, I ask lots of questions. We talk. And at least half the time, I surprise people: “I don’t think this is a desire issue.”
Saying no to something when you don’t expect to enjoy it isn’t a “problem,” it’s common sense.
In every generation there are sexual things that people are not supposed to discuss or even see.
Some sexual words and images that used to be taboo are now considered valuable.
Today, the new taboos are sexual questions we can’t ask. Why?
For a lot of people these days, sexual identity seems to be more about identity than about sexuality. That is, people are adapting or defining their sexual identity based on what group they want to affiliate with, or what that identity tells them about themselves, rather than simply enjoying what they enjoy.