Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
This is not a helpful question. Every time I hear it in session, in fact, I think it’s the wrong question. But women and men keep asking it, so let me answer it here.
The simple answer is, it all depends on how you define infidelity.
Extramarital affairs? Men and women marry, so men and women cheat. Sometimes it’s once, with no emotional attachment. Sometimes it’s years with a beloved in the next town—virtually a second husband or wife.
And sometimes the whole thing blows up. When it does, some Cheaters actually makes things worse.
When they came to me they were getting “sex addiction” treatment. As the spouse of an “addict,” she was in S-Anon, endlessly talking about her trauma and her “co-dependence.” He was going to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings and reading about the 12 Steps.
She wanted me treat his “sex addiction,” and he was willing to do almost anything to end their nightmare of mistrust and chronic conflict.
But in the very first session, I told them that I don’t use the category of “sex addiction.”
Every week, people tell me exactly how they make sex way too complicated, and therefore difficult or impossible to enjoy. Here are some ways they do that.
I wish I could just say “Stop making sex more complicated than necessary…”
I presented a training webinar to therapists last Friday. The title was Infidelity: After An Affair, Who Owns the Relationship?
I offered some ideas that are contrary to much conventional wisdom in the therapy field, involving power dynamics, assumptions about monogamy, and if/when to trust someone after they have cheated.
What challenges will couples face in 2018 regarding sex, love, and intimacy? Dealing with infidelity, pornography, desire issues, and conflict management. What do these have in common?