Many couples who ask me if they’re incompatible ARE. But they don’t want to hear it, certainly not that directly.
These people often love each other, and think that “love” is enough to make a relationship work. But it isn’t. Shared values are crucial, and many loving couples lack these.
Sexual discrepancies–desire, frequency, variety, etc.–are among the hardest to navigate. Therapy may be of only limited help in such a situation.
Every week or two, a new patient complains that their partner rarely initiates sex. The new patient expects me to figure out why—and more importantly, how to get their partner to change and initiate more.
People who rarely initiate sex fall into one of three categories, which we’ll discuss below.
But let’s also look at the inverse: why do some people get so distressed when their partner doesn’t initiate?
You might be surprised, maybe even shocked, to find out how often a man comes into my office and asks, “In sex, how are you supposed to get excited if you’re not watching porn?”
I write books about sex and relationships. Too long for some people, I also write articles about sex and relationships. Too long for some people, I now post about sex and relationships on Instagram.
Interested in infidelity, desire, empathy, porn, or orgasm? Here are some of my favorite posts, each with a bit of explanation.
Every week, people come for therapy with desire issues. Someone wants higher libido. Someone else wants their partner to have a higher libido.
My answer is frequently…let’s talk about something else. Important issues might include:
~ Power dynamics
~ Body image
~ Self-esteem
~ Conflict management
~ Old wounds—the individual’s, the partner’s, or the couple’s
~ Religion
~ Alcohol and drugs
~ Aging, health, chronic pain, menopause, contraception
Sometimes the problem is easy to…
Pressuring a partner to have sex will, over time, poison the relationship. Similarly, if someone acquiesces to sex they don’t want, over and over, that will poison the relationship, too.
Men should stop doing the first, and women should stop doing the second.
And by the way, no one “needs” sex a certain amount every week (or month or year). Some people WANT it much more frequently than they have it–but that’s NOT the same…