Infidelity is a common subject in both couples counseling and individual therapy.
A range of clinical approaches can be helpful—there’s no one right way to treat infidelity. But there are definitely WRONG ways—common approaches used by many therapists that can actually prevent healing, or even make the problem worse.
Here are the WORST common treatment approaches to infidelity.
* Demanding Radical Transparency from the Betrayer
Some therapists state that after infidelity, the Betrayer needs to reveal every single thing they have done wrong, answering every single question the Betrayed has. The justification is that this will help restore trust. These therapists don’t seem to understand that beyond the basics, this only provides material for the Betrayed’s obsessions and nightmares.
Yes, when someone has been cheated on, their reality has been destabilized, so they need some information. They need a sense of what to expect going forward, so they need ongoing communication.
What they don’t need—no matter how much they demand it—is a looong series of trivial details: Where did you do it? Which positions? Did you use lube? Did you shower together? What restaurants did you go to?
Therapists should understand that somebody asking a million questions like this is not the best judge of what they need. But if a therapist is judgmental about infidelity, if they see one selfish evil-doer and one innocent victim, they won’t think clearly, either. Will they ask if the “victim” had withdrawn sexually? If they were sympathetic to the Betrayer’s concerns about aging? If the couple were physically connected in non-sexual ways?
Most importantly, will these supposedly neutral therapists ask “Why do you want to know all these details?”
*Assuming the affair is primarily about sex
Some affairs, of course, are about sex: “We only have sex twice a year. When our neighbor suggested he was available, of course I said yes.”
But many affairs are about loneliness; wanting to feel important or understood; feeling that time is slipping away; wanting touching; or simply wanting someone to talk to. Sex workers have always said that with many customers, they spend a few minutes having sex, followed by much more time cuddling or talking.
Therapists who believe in the “sex addiction” model often mistakenly assume that an affair is about sex.
* Agreeing that watching porn is a form of infidelity
Do you care if your partner watches porn? Some people do, some people don’t. If couples can’t resolve a difference in their perspectives on this, therapy ought to help—in the same way that therapy can help resolve couples’ differences around money, parenting, and household chores.
But when a therapist takes sides, and says that porn use is a form of infidelity, they cease being helpful. They can talk a porn-user into feeling ashamed, neglectful, and even abusive. But that won’t help people grow, won’t help couples resolve other conflicts, and certainly won’t help their sex life.
And it will undermine the credibility of the therapist in any other aspect of a couple’s life.
* Diagnosing the Betrayer as a sex addict or porn addict
Don’t make me write about this yet again. Read any of the dozens of articles about this on my website, www.SexEd.org.
Therapists who believe in sex addiction or porn addiction definitely don’t understand sex or porn enough. Some of them don’t think clearly about addiction, either.
* Agreeing that the Betrayed gets to tell anyone they want, including the kids
After infidelity, who owns the relationship? Many therapists seem to think that the Betrayed suddenly acquires special rights—for example, to tell the Betrayer’s family or employer or even their children about the betrayal.
Being betrayed can be agonizing, but it doesn’t relieve the Betrayed from being thoughtful and having self-discipline. Wanting revenge is normal; pursuing revenge is self-destructive, hurtful to the children, and it postpones rather than facilitates healing. And it makes reconciliation, should either party desire it, difficult if not impossible.
Yes, the Betrayed needs to talk about their pain. A therapist or a single trustworthy friend or relative is invaluable. Telling the community? Broadcasting on social media? Becoming the object of gossip helps no one—except the gossips, of course.
* Letting the couple decide to reconcile (or divorce) too quickly
In the days and weeks after infidelity is discovered or revealed, no one is thinking clearly. This is not the time to buy a new car, change jobs, or decide whether or not to stay together.
In an effort to reestablish a sense of stability, some Betrayers immediately ask for another chance, and some Betrayeds accept a perfunctory apology. Some therapists applaud this “successful” outcome.
But before these couples can move on productively, they must be asked, “What exactly are you reconciling to? Is it the old relationship that didn’t quite work (hence the infidelity), or is there a new relationship you both want to have? And if you two can agree on the relationship you want to have, do you each have the emotional and relational skills needed to create and maintain it?”
On the other hand, sometimes a Betrayed says “You betrayed me, which is an automatic deal-breaker for me. I’m ending the relationship right now.” Supporting such an emotion-driven decision as “good boundaries” or “self-care” or “challenging the Patriarchy” may feel good to the therapist, but it suggests that no thought is necessary for such a dramatic action.
In either direction—immediate reconciliation or immediate dissolution—“trust your instincts” is just about the worst advice a therapist can give people who are hurting, whose world is upside down, and who can’t possibly be thinking clearly. This is exactly when a therapist needs to step up and urge people to slow down.
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