Millions of couples argue about porn.
The arguments sound like they’re about porn, but they really aren’t.
The conflict almost invariably involves a woman who’s unhappy with a man’s porn-viewing, while the man defends himself or criticizes the woman’s unhappiness. Couples can argue about porn for hours, over months and years, and easily avoid talking about what’s really bothering them.
The arguments typically sound like this: “I don’t want you looking at porn because…
porn exploits the women who make it
porn gives kids wrong ideas about sex
porn gives men bad ideas about sex
porn makes women feel bad about their bodies
porn leads to erection problems
porn reduces men’s interest in their mates
porn leads men to commit violence against women
porn leads to men disrespecting or misunderstanding women
watching porn is a form of infidelity
Men typically respond to this by defending themselves or criticizing the woman. They can be unsympathetic, childish, or even mean.
Why do I say these arguments aren’t really about porn?
First, these allegations have very little basis in fact. They’re primarily moral disapproval or emotional anguish dressed up as supposed truth (often supported by anti-porn websites’ completely fact-free assertions). Porn doesn’t create these problematic scenarios, all of which existed—often in more extreme form—before the internet.
Of course, porn consumption is so common that it accompanies practically everything else in the world, from rape to pizza-eating to college degrees. Sure, lots of porn consumers disrespect women, lots of porn consumers are sexually indifferent to their wives, lots of women feel bad about their bodies—but there’s no evidence that porn causes any of these things.
And even if porn does, what about all the other factors in the world that are also correlated with these unwanted outcomes? Lots of things exploit poor women, give adults wrong ideas about sex, reduce men’s libido, and make it hard for women to enjoy their bodies. Exhibit A is organized religion. Exhibit B includes alcohol abuse, the fashion industry, lack of sex education, women’s magazines, home schooling, the Midwest’s deindustrialization, and most definitely organized religion.
But anti-porn activists and everyday people who demand their husbands and boyfriends stop watching porn don’t seem to care much about other obvious explanations for what they’re so upset about.
BACK IN MY OFFICE…
Back in my office, couples fight about porn. When I ask my usual questions, what eventually emerges is frequently:
From women:
I feel bad about my body and/or aging
I’m sad we don’t have sex anymore, or that it was never that good
I feel intimidated by his fantasies and desires
I don’t like him consuming narratives of sexual pleasure or adventure
I don’t like him masturbating
From men:
I feel insecure about erections with her
I don’t ejaculate with intercourse, which one or both of us find troubling
I need more stimulation to get excited these days, which I don’t know how to talk about
I’m annoyed with her about small things that I don’t discuss, which then builds up and reduces my desire for her
One or both of us has physical pain with sex, which feels unsexy
One or both of us drinks too much, which makes sex clumsy
I don’t know how to enjoy sex with a woman I’m emotionally intimate with
Of course, I express my genuine sympathy. I also ask the woman, why focus on no-more-porn (one possible solution) rather than your anguish (the actual problem)? If you only focus on your proposed solution, and your partner rejects it, you’re both stuck with nothing to discuss. If instead you want him to understand your distress about your experience (feeling abandoned, intimidated, bad about your body, etc.), you might be able to get that. And then you can jointly investigate possible solutions, including but not limited to no-more-porn. This approach can change everything for the better.
ANY LEGITIMATE COMPLAINTS?
So are there any legitimate complaints about hubby or boyfriend watching porn?
Of course, starting with the way we expect anyone to do anything—with courtesy and common sense. He shouldn’t leave porn out where the kids can see it. He shouldn’t watch porn while his mother-in-law is waiting for you to come to dinner. He shouldn’t ask his 50-year-old wife, “why can’t you have a butt like the 25-year-olds I watch in porn?” And he shouldn’t spend the rent money (or kids’ college fund) on porn.
As important as these points are, though, they aren’t about porn. They’re about the relationship. Blaming porn for clueless or hostile behavior is naïve and futile—like blaming the NFL or CSI crime shows for “capturing” your partner’s attention and “encouraging” poor behavior.
Porn use can be problematic when a consumer is illiterate. Just like cars, alcohol, food, and social media, there are ways to use porn that enhance life, and ways to use it that undermine life. Porn users need to know that they’re watching fiction, not a documentary. And that a lot of stuff happens off-camera, such as lubricants, Viagra, and communication, creating agreements about what exactly each person is going to do. Most importantly, real sex can’t feel the way porn sex looks.
MASTURBATION
Finally, virtually all porn-watching goes on during masturbation—and some women don’t want their partners to masturbate. Various women say it makes them feel left out; or shows they aren’t satisfying their guy; or that they’re uncomfortable about his sexual autonomy, or that masturbation is a slippery slope to affairs or sex workers.
Again, I’m sympathetic about people’s feelings, but the way to manage your distress is not to patrol your partner’s behavior. The solution lies in developing emotional skills—and being willing to have difficult conversations with someone about your feelings and experience in the relationship. That’s true whether a partner watches porn, is rude to your sister, or is chronically late.
If your mate doesn’t care about your experience, and doesn’t want to work with you to improve it, that’s a critical problem—and it isn’t a porn problem.
So is conflict about porn just the woman’s problem? Absolutely not. But insisting that the conversation be about him ending his porn use pretty much guarantees that the relationship will suffer–which nobody wants, right?
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